Saturday, December 11, 2004

Playing the Martyr

Today's post, much like my consciousness, will be rather haphazard and poorly constructed.

I'm really under a lot of pressure right now. I used to be the sort of person who liked variables. I used to be flexible, and enjoyed new challenges and changes in routines. I liked to think about the possibilities of any situation. I liked to be idealistic.

No more.

If I'm given a schedule, I want to keep it. When I have no routine, I want to create one. I don't want to work with anyone, because that means having to wait around on them. It means having to bail them out of situations that, had they not been with me, I never would have found myself in.

I get tired of always coming in third place. I get tired of being dependable. I get tired of being the one always cleaning up the messes while everyone else is out having a good time making more messes.

I'm only just now starting to realize the weakness of my position. It's an ironic thing because I worked very hard to ensure that I was given so little power. My good will towards men will always ensure that, ultimately, I never get what I most earnestly desire in life.

It may well be that when I die, I'll have been a very good person and I'll have lived a meaningful, useful and, in many ways, enviable and exemplary life. I will also have died rather glumly and unsatisfied; I will have been entrenched in mediocrity.

I will have been indispensible. I will have dried many tears. I will have been the first one called at the first sign of trouble, or when there's a lot of work to do that no one else is interested in. And I'll still be second runner up.

Reasonable, boring, stable as hell, second runner up. So it has always been, and so it shall always be. And being the epitome of long suffering, I will eventually take solace in that fact, too. I will be always be content on less. I will never be content unless I have less.