Friday, April 28, 2006


Just a quick note. I'm leaving for Toronto in about half an hour. Yay!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Tuesday's a little better.

I'm doing a little better today. I had a good day yesterday after all. A good friend of mine had a worse day yesterday than I did and that gave me some perspective. Everyone has rough spells and Lord knows I'm vulnerable to anything dark. But I'm trying to remember that time has a way of changing things. Nothing lasts forever; not my depression, not my happiness either. I'd be cheating myself out of the happiest days of my life if all I did was concentrate on how unimportant I am.

X. and I played Mario Superstrikers for like, five hours yesterday. He's begging me to come play with him now, and, I might oblige. The only day of Spring Break that X. and The Boy have in common is this Friday. Jasmin thinks her mom wants them Friday, but I'm hoping I get to have them. I almost never get them together when there's time to do anything fun. I know it would cheer me up to do something good with the boys.

I miss TyTy. Maybe I can get him for a while this weekend.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Depression and Anxiety.

There's not a lot of news to report.

Surprisingly, I sort of like my new class this quarter. I'm thinking of transferring to Case Western. Or trying to, at least. I'm sick of OSU. The only positive thing I can report about OSU at the grad level is that it's dead cheap. But, you get what you pay for.

I've not been very happy lately. Feeling sort of unappreciated and ignored. These things happen. Like the lowly cockroach, I will survive.

My brother was in the emergency room earlier this week. They think he might have had a ministroke. That was a mess. He's okay now. Will see a neurologist soon.

It's funny. I've been obsessing over this looming disappointment in my life. It will be a relatively minor disappointment if it occurs (in fact, it happened last year and I managed). But somehow it's managed to invade all of my waking thoughts and even my dreams. I don't know if I'm creating the scenario I fear just by thinking about it. I know that this is just a personification of my insecurities. But people like me believe in signs; and I'm waiting for this one to come. In so many ways, I wish time would just hurry up and arrive. Then I would know the result; for better or worse.

I'm so tired. I could sleep for a week and not feel rested.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Qualifying for the Nationals.

Today was a long and excrutiating day. The Boy had a huge wrestling tournament about an hour away from here, so I got to Jasmin's house at 7:00 so we could make it on time. When I got here, everyone had woken up late and was rushing around all crazy when Jasmin discovered that she has terrible hives. About a year ago she got hives so bad we started calling her Job, so we all freaked out.

I dropped The Boy off at school so he could ride to the tournament with his wrestling coach. The caravan had to wait on us to get there because of all the excitement over hives and whether it was prudent to just go the ER or whatever. Anyhow, off went The Boy and I went to Kroger to buy vast reserves of Benadryll and Aveeno.

Now, X. is Matt's son from his first marriage. And I love X. dearly. But since X.'s new baby sister was born last November, X. has been obsessively seeking attention. You can't do anything around him because he very simply just won't stop talking. He'll actually walk up to me and be like: "SARAH? SARAH!" and I'll say: "What buddy?" and he'll give me this blank look, pause for a second, searching for anything to say, and then go "SARAH! SARAH!" repeat times 600 million.

So this morning, I got to kill three hours with X., who was freaking out the whole time that The Boy would start wrestling without us. This was a particularly bad fear because it was also my fear and I was already nervous about it. I didn't need X. coming in every thirty seconds to ask me if it was time to go yet, which it wasn't, and wasn't I scared that The Boy would have already started...blah, blah, blah...

Yeah, so I was way freaking out about that. And Jasmin and Matt finally decided to go. And of course, being Jasmin and Matt, we ended up leaving twenty minutes late, followed by waiting another twenty minutes in line at the bank which Matt was supposed to have gotten money out of yesterday. All told, we got to the tournament half an hour late and, merciful God be praised, caught The Boy's first match by about two minutes.

The Boy wrestled extremely well. Apparently today was the national qualifiers, which I had no idea about until we got there. The Boy got fifth place, which might not sound impressive, but there were twelve kids in his weight class, and two of those kids - both of The Boy's losses - placed in the nationals last year. I was very, very proud. But the downside was, he missed a trophy by one match and he was bummed. That kind of kills a day.

The kids are still driving me crazy. In the spirit of being the best goddamn friend anybody ever had, I'm babysitting for them while Jasmin goes and gets a haircut. Her mom is supposed to come and pick up the kids any time now, or so I pray. And then I'll go home and sleep because I haven't tried that in a while and I thought it might be worth a laugh.