Thursday, October 30, 2003

It doesn’t feel like a Thursday today. Though so far as Thursdays go, this is bound to be a bad one. For the remainder of this morning I’ll be doing my Roman Republic reading, and for the rest of the day I’ll be cramming for my Ohio History exam. I don’t think the latter will really be all that bad, but it’s better to overstudy for a first test. And once that’s over, I have to go to some speech or something, by some guy that I don’t really care about at all. So I can’t anticipate being home until late this evening. I hate that.

I hate the way I set myself up for these horribly rushed days by procrastinating while I have perfectly good amounts of free time to do stuff in. When I procrastinate, I always tell myself that a little laziness is necessary to sanity. And while this is probably true, I think I abuse that line of logic.

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with my body right now, but I’m producing these freak, strong as tree limb fingernails. I was just trying to bite my nails and nearly chipped a tooth. Damn.

Last night, I came home, slept from four ‘til eight, and again from midnight to seven. That’s 11 hours of sleeping. And while it felt damn good, and was probably necessary from my week full of catching an hour or two here and there, my eyes hurt now, from having too much sleep. You can’t win for losing. Or as the sad little boy on the Peanuts Halloween special tells us: “I got a rock.”

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Kyle: "You don't even know anything about Christianity!"
Cartman: "I know enough to exploit it."

I'm skipping Roman Republic today to "help" April with her paper. It's partially true. I did proofread it for her. And I did show her where the good computer lab is. But erm, I could still go to class as I'm writing this, and I'm not, so, yay for skipping! Ich schwaenze oft Roman Republik Klasse. I probably conjugated that wrong. Oh well, I do plan on attending German today.

Yeah, so, my mother's surgery went well this morning, so that's nice. I have many thoughts in my head for a better post than this. But there's no time or concentration available for it now. And tonight, I will likely be studying for my German and Ohio History Exams tomorrow. Good times, man, good times.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

I’m having another of my what-in-the-hell-am-I-going-to-do-with-my-life crises. I actually couldn’t go back to sleep thinking about it, though maybe I’m getting sleepy enough to go back to sleep now.

Here are my options, as I see them currently:

Law School:

Positives: I love/am good at debate, making an argument; there can be a lot of money in law; it’s a respectable enough career that I wouldn’t feel like I was disappointing all of the people who sort of expect me to do something with my life.

Negatives: Law is all about dressing up and putting on a show. I don’t like that sort of thing. I think that any argument worth making can be made in jeans and a t-shirt, and I prefer logical analysis to rhetorical flourish. And while I guess pursuing law would make me “successful,” I think I’d feel like a total bastard all of the time; as if I was selling my soul for social prestige and some money in my pocket.


Positives: My writing skills are such that I can be an extremely effective communicator; my explanatory skills are particularly honed and I am a very clear writer. If I’m successful in Journalism, it could take me all over the world. I could always have my hand on the pulse of everything that’s going on in the world. I’d love that.

Negatives: Journalism isn’t a walk in the park; it’s hard to succeed, and I really don’t want to end up writing for the News Journal. Like law, it’s a lot about who you know, and putting on show. Additionally, I’ve sort of wasted my history major, and I’ll have to go to at least another year of school in Columbus next year to major in Journalism. It’s possible I could do an English major and stay home, but I wouldn’t be as qualified, perhaps, as I’d like to be.

Teaching – High School.

Positives: Steady work, good pay, time off in the summer and not a hell of a lot of expectations on my time.

Negatives: I would be the worst high school teacher, seriously. I hate rules and regulations; I’m all about sticking it to the man, not making kids sign passes to use the toilet. I’m not good at PC kind of stuff that teachers deal with. I’d rather die than pay NEA dues.

Teaching – College.

Positives: Steady work, good pay, opportunities for travel, social prestige, time off.

Negatives: A minimum of three years in grad school. If I wanted to go to grad school, I should’ve turned my applications in this month. I haven’t even taken my GRE. There are no jobs in history. I could easily end up teaching at some pretentious prep school just because the job market sucks so much.

Treading Water – Wasting Time

I could go teach English as a foreign language somewhere for a year. I could try to get a job with the English free press somewhere in Eastern Europe. I could join the Peace Corp or the AmeriCorp and try to make a difference in the world while figuring out what the hell I’m doing with my life.


Major influences, currently, include my misery over the return of my father to my house. I don’t really want to live here anymore, even though I’m finding it exceptionally difficult to leave home. I'm emotionally retarded I think.

And, I don’t want to be a sell out. I want to do something meaningful. But I also don’t want to end up massively in debt like my parents.


As much as I hate college these days, it sure is a fair sight easier than figuring out what I want to do with my life! I wish things came easy. I wish I could just start an international news magazine or something, on a whim one weekend, and have everything fall easily into place.

Monday, October 27, 2003

I've hit that point in the quarter in which I am no longer a human being during the week. I only become human on the weekends. For now, if you talk to me, I'm either sleeping, bitching about school, and usually both.

I fell asleep at four this afternoon. I decided it was time to go home when I couldn't remember how to use the copier anymore. I have mass amounts I should be reading for the morning. But I won't be reading. As soon as I finish here, I'm back to sleeping.

Did I mention I'm proud of the C I got on my German exam? I seem to have done above average on it; lots of kids were sporting Ds. We did so poorly that he's letting us do corrections on it at home. Yay! Note, I'm not doing that now either. Only sleeping.

Only sleeping.

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Tonight, my mind is everywhere but ancient Rome. And ancient Rome is the only place that it needs to be. I can’t believe how long I’ve been writing this most mediocre of papers.

I really, really hate this class. I hate the subject, though it always seemed interesting before this damned class. I’m beginning to hate the professor, though I always liked her before. I hate writing the papers, and while I always hate papers, it’s rarely this intense a hate. I hate never knowing what I’m doing. I hate that I’m beginning to settle for less than perfect grades in a class that ought to piss me off and make me work harder.

I just wish I could concentrate for a minute. It’s not that I don’t have the information in me. Or that I can’t make the arguments. It’s that I don’t bloody feel like it, and I can’t seem to make myself do it. I want to talk about something fun for once.

When do I get to write, say: The Simpsons and Family Guy: A Comparative Treatise, hmm?

I have three pages out of a minimum of five written. If I slap a conclusion on the end and enlarge my font slightly, I can just stretch it out. But that’s shameful, yes? And won’t get me a good grade, yes? Maybe I can fix it in the morning.

I love Aqua Teen Hungerforce.

This weekend has been busy.

Yesterday I almost got smashed on 71. It was just about as close to dying in a car as I've ever gotten. I think it has me emotionally disturbed. I had really awful nightmares all last night. Odd ones, too. Involving April and Nikki mostly.

Speaking of April and Nikki, last night we went to the football game with Rory and Danny, and went to see Scary Movie 3. The movie was godawful which isn't surprising, considering the first two. But what was mildly funny was that the people behind us in the theatre were obnoxious. Outside of their constant stream of obscenities, one of them that works with April was sexually harassing her poor hair. And the people in front of us were, we believe, making out. But their methods were unusual enough that we weren't quite sure. Then we made Nikki play 007 which was good for everyone but Nikki. She doesn't play video games, apparently.

Today, Rory, Danny, April and I went bowling. Rory lost twice, which was funny as hell. We went, originally, in Mansfield. But when we couldn't find anything else to do, we ended going to the bowling alley in Ashland. Well, actually, first we had to stop off at April's house so Rory could shit 'cos his mom's spider-sac filled biscuits made him sick. So, another hour of bowling, and my wrist is sore like a motha. And we played pool afterward, too.

Then home. A little Degrassi. And now hopefully some non-nightmare filled sleeping.

Friday, October 24, 2003

A stilted poetic expression of a feeling I just had:

The conception of sophistry - an infancy of grey,
Rabid foam of previous passion dripping down and settling.
All around is pacifying, soothing and warming
The milk of contentment to trick our churning stomachs.
Flickering of black and white detracting from the
Dying tinder of sparks of rage and so much thirst for life.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

It's a cold freaking day out today. It doesn't look so cold from a distance. It looks more like your typical, dreary, Ohio day in October. But step out in it and BAM, you're lucky if you've still got fingers in tact when you walk back in. I think it was supposed to rain today.

I like dreary days in October. Winter days, I think, are the nicest. Not so much bloody sunshine around making everything look sickeningly yellow. Even when there is sun, the snow sucks it up and deflects it back as white. And October usually isn't as cold as the later months. Though, I suppose, by the later months you're usually a little more adjusted to the weather, and a lot of cold doesn't bite as hard as a little bit of cold does this time of year.

I don't know why I'm on about the weather. Killing time I guess.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

I am a rebel.

Though my university requires that I sign my name to use this computer, sign I did not.

And not only did I not sign.

But I have openly and brazenly said so out loud.

And in print.

I am a rebel.

That's right.

I've just managed setting up, and re-setting up (I actually botched the password twice) Nikki's Blog. Yay for the Page of Hostility!

I don't have time for a poem about puppies and such just yet, but I'll try to post one before tonight is over. Anyway, going to add Nikki to my sidebar.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Last night we apparently lost power, and though I have batteries in my alarm clock, it appears that they’re no longer working batteries. So I overslept today. I woke up at around 10:30, and my first class starts at 10:10. My second class starts at 11:20. So, actually, it starts as I’m writing this now. But I’m not going to it because I’m lazy and I hate walking in late. It’s a bad idea since I suck at German. But, meh. I have a ton of work to do that I needed to get up early for today, so I’m doing it now instead of rushing to class right off.

I’ve mentioned before here that I’ve been in something of a spiritual slump recently. It’s nothing I could call a dark night of the soul. I can hardly even blame my soul for it, when it’s mostly my will that’s the problem. As Chesterton wrote it: “Christianity has not been tried and found lacking; it has been found difficult and left untried.” While I’m ready to embrace the hard road at first, I do not usually endure to the end.

I’ve recognized increasingly lately just how very off my ideals and perceptions are. To an extent, I was purer when I was younger and had fewer desires. But when I was younger, I also had fewer temptations. As Kant wrote it: "And how many there are who may have led a long blameless life, who are only fortunate in having escaped so many temptations.”

I am young and busy unconsciously becoming my own person. I am busy, always, determining the things which are most important to me. I am settling issues of right and wrong with myself alone as judge. I am at a pivotal point in my own development, and not only am I unaware of it consciously, but I can’t even begin to fathom how it’s happening and who my influences are.

Lately I’ve been very down on myself. I wonder why I cave so easily to the smallest temptations. I keep wanting to get away, so that I can start a new life, free from the troubles that bind me at home. But I know very well that you can’t outrun your troubles. The problems I have will follow me anywhere. But I’m thinking of running anyway, just to escape the cross I have to bear for just a little while. It’s a rotten thing. But as Shakespeare wrote it: “Forbear to judge, for we are sinners all.”

My brain needs realignment. I know that much. I know that I’m the author of my own displeasure. What I most fervently crave is suffering; Suffering for the sake of Christ through sacrifice for my fellow man. And it’s the one thing I’ve found myself least able to do recently. I am as cold and distant from humanity in general, and even the people I love in particular, as I have ever been at the most inhuman periods of my life. Even as a selfish three year-old, I was affected by my fellow’s tears.

My outer lack of productivity as of late is indicative of a lack of inner motion. There is no action where there is no will. And there is no will when there is no hope. It’s an easy thing to get beaten down by the world. And it’s an easy thing for a spirit like mine to enjoy the beating. My spiritual masochism will be the mud which chokes me in my own gloomy hell some day, I foresee.

Monday, October 20, 2003

Somehow, I’ve managed to get the date all jumbled in my brain. I thought today was the day my window opens for scheduling class, but apparently it’s not until tomorrow. It’s just as well, since I’d forgotten what I need to take. I had to re-look everything up.

Looks like next quarter I’ll have: Stats (oh boy!); Astronomy (wee!); History of Modern Africa (actually, the only class I’m interested in all that much); and an Honors Seminar about the religious beliefs of the Founding Fathers. It promises to be one of my more boring quarters. But none of the classes look terribly difficult, so hopefully that’ll help to balance out my GPA after this quarter from hell.

I’ve never not been on the Dean’s List before. But this quarter, I stand a chance. I think I bombed my German test. There are relatively few tests in that class, so I’ll probably only manage a B+. I think I’ll get a B in Roman Republic, damnit, though that really pisses me off. And while I’ll definitely pull an easy A in History of Ohio, that leaves me tragically .7 points below the Dean’s List marker.

I don’t know why I care so much. I cared before because I was going to grad school. And since I’m not now, it doesn’t matter. I guess it’s just that I’ve gotten sucked into the cult of the overachiever and I measure myself by my grades. Since they’re normally quite above average, I am too. Though I know that’s all phony. My grades in high school were disturbingly below average, and I was still quite a bit above average then.

I know that my worldview is off. But that doesn’t kill the feeling of disappointment when I fail.

Saturday, October 18, 2003

I don't like myself very much today.

I had strange dreams last night that are making me feel guilty.

I have poor impulse control.

I need to work harder, or play harder. One or the other. This middle ground stuff can go to hell.

A strange and stress filled weekend so far.

Yesterday I went on a field trip to an ice cream museum. It was a lot of fun because our Prof. bailed on us, and it was just a group of us hanging around and eating ice cream. It would be mostly unfunny to reprint the very many running jokes we created, but among my favorites were Nikki’s drooling problem, Jasmin’s inability to use words when ordering – she reverts to caveman grunts, and Austin’s loud making fun of people who are sitting right behind him.

On the way home, Jasmin got sick. So while I was supposed to pick Brittany up at 3:30 in Columbus, I didn’t even get home until a little after four. I freakin’ hauled ass down to her school, and picked her up at five. In the meantime, my family was in hysterics. They even called the Highway Patrol, because I’m never, ever, late for anything, and I was an hour and a half off with no phone call. How boring is my life that my family calls the Highway Patrol when I’m an hour late?

The only joyful part of that story was when I was doing 85 down 71 and I saw a car on the side of the road ahead of me. It didn't look like a cop, but I had a feeling. So I slowed down to 70, quickly, and the jackass who'd been on my ass went to pass me, and got pulled over. Hell yeah! I then resumed speeding. Weeeeeeeeee!

Anyway, after that, I went to the football game and to play pool with Angela. It was fun and relatively cheap.
I came home and worked on my paper.

This morning, Jody, Angela and I went to see Jack Black’s School of Rock. It was okay. Jody loved it. Must be a teacher thing. Now I’m getting ready to work on my paper.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

Nikki: "Why do people never listen to me?"
Me: "Umm...because you're short?"
Nikki: "Oh, that was just mean."

Halllllllllllllllllelujah! School's out for the weekend! Weeeeeeeeeee!

This week, I wrote three papers and a newsletter article. I have another huge paper to write this weekend, but at least I've already read all of the material for it. Ahh, and I totally bombed my German exam today. And I only care a little!

Cause schoooooooooool's out for the weekend!


Tuesday, October 14, 2003

I’m on the phone helping Nikki write her book review for the newsletter. She’s going to hate me soon, I think. I keep insisting she describe more; she keeps insisting that I shut up. But you’ll notice, she called me up for help, and she hasn’t hung up yet.

Today largely sucked. I was rushed all day and busy all day. I even skipped German class and didn’t finish everything. I didn’t even get close. I still have mad ass homework to do, not to mention newsletter stuff. Hell.

If I had a social life to talk about right now, I’d love to. But I don’t. So you get no juicy details of anything. The only friends I see are as burnt out as I am, with eyes every bit as bloodshot from lack of sleep. We’re not a fun group.

And lately, I have not been a fun person. I’ve had some kind of freak complex lately about squashing all of my own joy. It’s lack of confidence I think. I’ve been struggling at school, and since school is the main thing in my life right now, it’s enough to make me miserable. But I know better than to attach my happiness to an end result. I need to calm myself down and start enjoying the ride.

It makes me sad to think of all the time I’ve spent so sad. I’m never happy just being myself. I’m always looking for the competition. I’m always worried about producing a desired effect. Maybe it’s youth that makes me so calculated; it’s certainly youth that ruins my calculations with impetuosity.

I know all of the things I must do to be happy. And I’m killing myself trying to figure out all of the things I must do to be successful. It’s a peculiarly American fixation, I think. Joy is not enough. Salvation is not enough. I want self-made justification. And I’m not naïve enough to think that that’s something I can have.

I’d like to say I’m going to redouble my spiritual efforts. But I’m not. I don’t have the focus for meditation now. I’m going to keep being miserable until I break myself down in frustration. And then, out of the ashes, I’ll rise again.

What is happiness? Knowing you'll rise again.

Monday, October 13, 2003

Today has gone too damn quickly. I have to go to sleep in five minutes, if I want to get enough sleep for tomorrow. And of course, I'm not at all tired since I didn't get enough sleep last night and had to take a nap today.

I sucked in German class today. First I couldn't pronounce Persoenenkeitlich and everybody laughed at me, which was okay, because I was sort of going for laughs when I realized that I had no hope of saying it right. Then I missed like every damn question the prof asked me. I was too tired for German, damnit. And I'm not going to have a chance to do my homework tonight.

And what that means for the rest of the week is that I have a book report due Thursday, and a German exam plus two weeks of homework I didn't do. No one's to blame for it but me. But it still sucks. Additionally, I actually have real research assistant stuff to do, which takes more of my time. And then this weekend, a ten page paper. Hell.

Sunday, October 12, 2003

It’s strange the things I’ll do to get out of doing my homework. I talked to Jasmin on the phone for two and a half hours today, about everything in the world really, except the homework we were supposed to be doing that she called me about. Now, it’s not strange that I’d talk to Jasmin that long. But it is strange that we’d talk about class for approximately thirty seconds before making a mad rush toward any conversation whatsoever that wasn’t class-related.

I’ve spent the hours since doing almost nothing; checking blogs repeatedly, just to see if anyone’s updated. I posted once, even, on a totally random stranger’s blog. It’s not unusual that I post on a stranger’s blog. But it is pretty unusual for me to find one and then post immediately on it. Usually I lurk around a while first to see if my sort of comments would be welcome. Today I didn’t give a damn. Anything beats school, I figured, and so I posted.

I don’t have as much to do today as I’d thought originally. My history paper is rather short; the long one isn’t until next week. My book report is due on Thursday, not Tuesday, so I have a little room to procrastinate with it still. It’s always nice to have a little extra room to maneuver with.

I’ve been frustrated with school lately. I’m tired of the same old professors, in the same old classes. It’s starting to feel like high school again, and I just want to get away. All my thoughts are about leaving these days. About going to Europe, to Israel; teaching English abroad, writing for the English press. Doing anything but sitting around here doing what I’m doing now. It’s not that my life is bad, mind you, it’s just that I want so much more. It’s that I know I can have so much more.

I guess it’s the promise of money burning a hole in my pocket. I’m already thinking of buying a digital camcorder and such. I’m splurging on silly things that I never used to splurge on. If I had any sense, I wouldn’t count my chickens before they hatch. I know that, and I do nothing whatsoever about it.

Saturday, October 11, 2003

It’s been an exhausting day. I’ve pretty much been rushing since I woke up this morning. I’ve had about a hundred near escapes; one that could’ve easily otherwise ended in my death. I think my blood pressure is probably through the roof. I’m probably the only Research Assistant in the history of the Ohio State University who ever broke out in an honest sweat from hard physical labor. Damn.

Still, it’s okay. Things are winding down. But this weekend doesn’t look promising. I have to write three papers, not to mention catch up on my German. But I’m glad it’s weekend and I can have some semblance of relaxation.

I’ve really been missing Europe the past few days. I miss waking up to something new each morning. I miss being nervous for something other than a paper deadline. I miss feeling like I’m learning something useful. I miss having someone to talk to about the stupid stuff I talk to when I’m waxing philosophical about people in general.

I’ve been in a spiritual pit recently. Not so much a dark night of the soul as a dark night of the will. I’m apathetic; distant, no doubt, of my own choosing. I’ve slipped on a lot of the rules I’ve made for myself and I’m having a hard time disciplining myself. I need to redouble my efforts.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

Mac's suck. Brittany's on crack.

I'm at school. I don't want to be.

But tonight April, Nikki and I are going to El Campesino's and to watch Finding Nemo at the dollar theater. Yay!

Running away now. People are here and it scares me.

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Millions of ladybugs have inexplicably infested my home and surrounding areas lately. This pic doesn't show the extent of the little buggers, but it's the best pic I could get without getting swarmed.

WTF crazy Limey came up with the Rubbadubbers? Crimony!

I barely got out of bed today. The alarm clock went off and my stupefied brain commanded my hand to reach up and hit the sleep button; or at least, that was the signal it told me it was giving. In reality, it must have given the “turn off alarm” signal, because forty-five minutes later I was still in bed. Fortunately, I had that nagging suspicion that it was brighter in my room than it should be at that time in the morning. So I forced my eyes open, looked at the clocked, screamed, sprung out of bed and into the nearest wall, and began the hectic process of preparing myself for school.

I’m hating school right now. That paper I wrote yesterday, I’m told, was on the wrong subject. I don’t feel bad for it since well over two-thirds of my classmates wrote on the same wrong topic I did. But it’s annoying to think of all that wasted effort and to think of all the effort I’ll have to spend writing the paper over again next week.

But I finally caught up on my Ohio History report. Like the procrastinating fool that I am, I didn’t go to order a book until yesterday, knowing full well that it takes a book a week to get in to the library, and that my report was due in one week. So I had to spend an extra half hour on Ohio Link to find a book that was actually in Mansfield’s library. Finally, I found a stunning book on, I think, events leading up to the American Revolution and Westward Expansion and all that. So another boring read I’ll have to suffer through.

Today I have to figure out how to balance filling out work study papers with getting my tires changed. Damn getting my tires changed. My parents couldn’t have scheduled a worse time for it. I’d bitch more, but there was no reason I couldn’t have made the appointment myself, so it’s my responsibility too.

I really can’t wait until school stops being so busy.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

I sent my paper in sort of late today. Not very late, but sort of late. I guess it doesn’t matter that much if my paper is counted a day late and I lose a point on it. But I hate losing a point on it. My perfectionism frightens me. My paper sort of sucked too. It may be the first 70-something percent I’ve ever gotten on a history paper in college, but only, I suspect if it is counted a day late. Ahh, well, what’s one quarter? I’m not even planning on going to grad school anymore. At least it’s only worth 2.5% of my grade. A hell of a lot of work for 2.5% of a grade, I’ll tell you that.

The really tremendous news for me today was that I got an email asking me to be a Research Assistant. This means money for me. Not a lot of money. You can never earn much money doing 20 hours of work a week. But hell, an extra $700 a month may yet prove my salvation. I’m damned poor this quarter. But that’s to be expected when your professors forget to list half the books you have to buy, your tires wear out on your car and need replacement, your car insurance is up, and you have a nagging check engine light up on your dash board.

My sister sounded lousy on the phone today. It's worth screwing up my grades for her when she sounds so damned desperate. I hate hospitals. And I’m glad as hell I don’t have kidney stone problems; or in any case, that I haven't yet. In my family, it's a good possibility that I will someday. My blood sugar seems to be running in the low 60's though, in health news for me, which I imagine probably isn't a good thing. I dread going to the doctor.

Tonight I have to punch up that silly article about Europe I wrote for the newsletter. I really, really don't want to. But I feel more concentrated today than I did yesterday, that's certain.

Monday, October 06, 2003

Another stupid day.

Classes went fairly quickly today. Nothing to slow anything up except the knowledge of the terribleness of how much stuff I have to get done that I have very little chance of getting done. And the terribleness of the knowledge that it’s my own damn fault for procrastinating.

Anyway, Nikki came over tonight to work on homework. No work was done. Now I still need to do all my work and I have a complication.

My sister’s in the hospital again, this time with kidney stones. Keep in mind that this isn’t the sister who usually gets kidney stones, but rather the sister who usually doesn’t, but who has a chronic illness she picked up in Arizona. So tomorrow I have to skip class to bring her home from the hospital, which puts me out terribly, but what the hell can you do?

I don’t want to do my homework tonight. My assignment is stupid and tedious. I wish I didn’t have to miss class tomorrow. But I suppose Donna wishes she didn’t have to have kidney stones. And people in hell wish they had ice water. Das leben ist schlecht!

Off to read really, really, boring stuff about the reliability of ancient Roman source documents. I hate school. Really I do. I wish I would’ve dropped Roman Republic and taken Russian History in its place. Then again, it’s the same old nonsense; aristocrats, proles, and nobody gives a damns.

Sunday, October 05, 2003

An account to rival Mike's.

The Sad Little Flower
Sarah Close

Once upon a time there was a miserable wretch of a flower, living in a miserable, cracked and broken pot. The flower was bitter for once the sun had given it suck, and the sweet soil of the earth had enveloped it in its warm, dark brown breast. But now it sat inside a black and gloomy shack. There was no loving, nutritious sun now; no blanket of warm all-encompassing earth; no gentle dew of morning.

The only comfort for the lugubrious flower was its certainty of death. Oh, surely, once there had been a will to life. At first the flower had sat, dreaming of a time when its roots might morph into legs and carry it away. But as days passed, the flower realized slowly that this hope was in vain. The shadow of death crept silently over the little creatures face. Eventually, it began to think of death as a cold but welcoming friend; a constant companion through the painful withering of starvation.

And then, one day it seemed certain that the flower should live no more. It expended in a blast its final cells of energy. And no sooner had it done so than it felt a strange sensation that, it seemed somehow, it had felt once before. The sensation was warm and comforting; the little flower longed to stretch its petals toward it, whatever it was. And in the midst of the scorching heat came a cool trickle of something wet.

On the floor stomped some creature. The little flower felt the tremor of its footsteps. The flower hated the tremors; hated the creature. But the coming of the creature had meant the coming of warmth. The little flower began to wonder if it had indeed died; but it did not feel dead. Inside, new life seemed to spring everforth, as long neglected cells received energy for the first time; but so many cells still felt dead, as if they could never wake from the long starvation. But the flower was not going to complain about this blissful new existence; that not all petals were as instantly alive as others. This flower had lived, had died, and now had life again! It sang praises, outstretched toward the sun!

And then a hideous wave of sound shot through the air.

“Damnit,” said the creature, “I’m trying to sleep. Who left the curtain open?”

Suddenly, all was cold. A terrible awakening occurred inside the little flower’s mind. It had been here before; it had known the sun, fresh earth and water. It had seen these things and loved them. And it had more than once been denied. For no sooner had the oblations been offered than these sweet blessings had been ripped away.

There was a tremor in the flower though no cruel wind was blowing. Thought the little potted plant: “My life is shit. I want to die.”

Yesterday was fun.

Mike, Nikki and I went to see Under the Tuscan Sun. Nikki wanted to see it because it would remind her of having been in Italy this summer. I shared that reason and a love for the music they played on the commercial. The movie itself was good. Or rather, if I had to have a scale, I’d say it was on the good side of okay, or the okay side of good. The best part was the Asian who we said looked like Yoko Ono. She didn’t really look like Yoko Ono, but the observation set all of us off laughing for about half an hour.

It was great when a really sad bit happened, and Nikki starts busting up about Yoko Ono laying in bed, and you could hear her laugh echoing across the theatre whilst everyone else teared up.

After the movie, we went to Steve’s Dakota Bar and Grill where Jasmin works. We drew all over the table thing, which wasn’t a bad thing consequently, you’re encouraged to do it. The best parts were Mike’s poem and all of our rules. My rules went something like:

1. No makeup or makeovers
2. No prettiness
3. No hugging
4. No stuff you people like
5. No secrets from me, though it’s okay for me to have them from you

Nikki’s went:

1. No dating sane people
2. No self-esteem (I came up with this one, and I’m very proud)
3. No sodomy

I forget most of Mike’s, but the one I remember was:

1. Lots of sodomy

Jasmin made me blush maybe thirty times, and Mike too, when she started grilling him for sodomy tips. She told me she’s going to get TLC to follow me around and give me a makeover, and I told her if she did I’d kill her; And not in that I’d be mad way, but in that, no really, I’d kill you sort of way.

Then Nikki, Mike and I went to Meijer and looked at the art. Mike was made sad by a portrait of a deer, looking sad, called “Waiting for Mom to Return.” I was made sad by a flower. The other flowers mostly pissed me off; they were snooty. But there was one flower that looked snooty, but with dignity, like it had earned it’s social position. And I liked that flower.

Eventually, I came home, and slept. And recently arose. And now I’m going to the Woolybear Festival. Yay!

Saturday, October 04, 2003

Fun times playing Trivial Pursuit:

Brett: Who played saxophone in the movie New York, New York?
Mom: Oh! Oh! Umm...Al Campesino! I mean, Al Pacino.

Denise: What biblical figure appeared on tobacco ads in the Phillipines?
Me: Oh God, I don’t know: Jesus.

Brett: How many great-nephews of Edgar Allen Poe later played for the Princeton football team?
Dad: Wow, they mean it when they claim they're trivial.
Brett: Six.

Thursday, October 02, 2003

This school is getting entirely too crowded. When will the masses of incoming freshmen realize that their high school guidance counselors were right and that they’re really not college material? I want a better parking spot!

Anyway, I’ve been looking for a computer to use now for quite a while. I tried the computers in the library and they’re all taken. I tried two computer labs in Ovalwood; both have classes in them currently. So I came upstairs in Conard, and while I don’t really think I’m supposed to be using these computers at all, here I am. I’m alone, which is nice. Though, of course, spooky too. It sucks to be the only kid getting chased out of the forbidden computer lab.


Yo, so, today has gone relatively quickly. I woke up, started immediately on my Roman Republic readings, and read them continually, practically as I drove, right up to the time class started. I finished the last paragraph just as the Professor started breaking us up into discussion groups. Discussion days are always quick. German was shorter than usual; we started late. And then Niki, Jasmine and I had lunch, and then came that whole bit about looking for a computer lab, and here we are.

A theological treatise was to follow here, on the terribleness of falling into the hands of the living God. But as I am no longer alone in this computer lab, and as I feel my thoughts rather scattered anyway, I’m going to save it for this evening. Off to read Mark Shea’s blog!

Weeeekend’s coming!

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

I'm tired. I hate being tired. On account of being out so late last night, I didn't get to sleep until well after two. And of course, I had to get up early for the dentist. Now I know how April feels. Damnit I'm tired. And it's so cold.

And I wrote such a weird email last night and now I'll have to deal with it.