Tuesday, October 14, 2003

I’m on the phone helping Nikki write her book review for the newsletter. She’s going to hate me soon, I think. I keep insisting she describe more; she keeps insisting that I shut up. But you’ll notice, she called me up for help, and she hasn’t hung up yet.

Today largely sucked. I was rushed all day and busy all day. I even skipped German class and didn’t finish everything. I didn’t even get close. I still have mad ass homework to do, not to mention newsletter stuff. Hell.

If I had a social life to talk about right now, I’d love to. But I don’t. So you get no juicy details of anything. The only friends I see are as burnt out as I am, with eyes every bit as bloodshot from lack of sleep. We’re not a fun group.

And lately, I have not been a fun person. I’ve had some kind of freak complex lately about squashing all of my own joy. It’s lack of confidence I think. I’ve been struggling at school, and since school is the main thing in my life right now, it’s enough to make me miserable. But I know better than to attach my happiness to an end result. I need to calm myself down and start enjoying the ride.

It makes me sad to think of all the time I’ve spent so sad. I’m never happy just being myself. I’m always looking for the competition. I’m always worried about producing a desired effect. Maybe it’s youth that makes me so calculated; it’s certainly youth that ruins my calculations with impetuosity.

I know all of the things I must do to be happy. And I’m killing myself trying to figure out all of the things I must do to be successful. It’s a peculiarly American fixation, I think. Joy is not enough. Salvation is not enough. I want self-made justification. And I’m not naïve enough to think that that’s something I can have.

I’d like to say I’m going to redouble my spiritual efforts. But I’m not. I don’t have the focus for meditation now. I’m going to keep being miserable until I break myself down in frustration. And then, out of the ashes, I’ll rise again.

What is happiness? Knowing you'll rise again.