Thursday, February 24, 2005

Last Day of Normal.

It's sort of hard to explain how tonight somehow became the last normal night of my life. That's an overly dramatic way of putting it. A more proper way, I guess, would be to say that my routine's about to change a lot, and today's my last day of normalcy. I've turned into something of a control freak over the last year or so, and I'm getting grumpier and grumpier about routine changes all of the time, so all day long I've been digging in and trying to hold on to each moment as it passes.

I've learned so much about life in this past year, and especially since graduation. My adjustment to getting out of school has been horrible. In fact, it can relatively fairly be stated that I haven't adjusted to getting out of school at all. I've gotten new routines, but I haven't gotten one that has any chance of permanance. Even my permanent plans have been temporary plans. I have the next three years all planned, and after that, I'll need a new plan.

But I think in three years, I'll be more prepared for adult life. I'm much more prepared now than I was even three months ago. I never knew it would be so difficult to define myself as an adult. I was always acutely aware of growing up, but I never could pin down that magical moment when I can say that I'm really grown up.

What I do know is that I love my life and the people in it. I love my mom and dad, even when they're driving me crazy. I feel as if I've gained a whole new family over the course of this last year, and I'm as in love with them as I ever have been with my own flesh and blood. I feel like, for maybe the first time in my life, I really have people pulling for me who care about me because of who I am. I feel like I'm being loved, and not only just tolerated.

I think that I always had that, at least on a certain level. But with all of my problems and mistaken perceptions, I never felt it. I never could see it. But God has cleared away much of the darkness from my eyes. I know that the process is just beginning. I know that there's much more work to do here. I'm terrified of changing, but I'm getting excited about the change. I want so much to be the person I was intended to be; to be free of all my pride and delusions and self-imposed misery. To shine; to reflect the image of God; to light up the world with His love.

I hope that everyone is becoming happier in life and more of who they really are. I hope we're all thinking more about love and less about all of the meaningless burdens of mortal life. I hope that when everyone goes to sleep tonight, they're warm and they're safe, and that they know that someone cares about them.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on us sinners!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

I miss you.

Is it strange to write in a blog that I miss you?

I do.

Lately I've been feeling very alone. I'm filled with loneliness and uncertainty. I miss the way you used to make me laugh. All of the little ways you used to distract me and fill my time.

Suddenly I seem to have discovered how it feels to joyfully seed all the days of ones life, only to reap a bitter, non-existant harvest. All these years I've been waiting. Hopeful. Holding out that last bit of hope.

And now?

"For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundantly: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

Monday, February 14, 2005

Blog.

I just lost a blog about meaningful things. Meh. Not going to retrace all that nonsense again!

I'm struggling with this blog because, as I wrote earlier, I no longer really understand why I'm writing. It's not just to catch people up on my life; I do remarkably little of that these days. It's not to explore the meaning of life in a forum in which I can receive feedback; I've never been thrilled with that aspect of this blog anyway. I'm not a very entertaining writer, really, so it's not to make some nameless, faceless audience smile.

So if not that, then what?

To an extent, this blog has always existed as a sort of symbolic representation of my space on the internet. This is my presence. In the mass of data that is the information highway, to sound very 1999, this is my tiny stretch of road. That's an honorable goal in some ways. But insofar as I've been sort of reidentifying myself over the past few years, and insofar as I don't always care to share all or even much of me in the public sphere, it's become difficult to keep up.

So what do I write about here? Friends I've lost touch with usually know the basics of my existence. I graduated from college back in August with a B.A. in History. I haven't found a job yet. Partially because none interest me, and in part because the job market where I live sucks, and I'm unwilling to move.

In more specific and fresher news, I have decided to go back to school. I'm going to get my Masters in Social Work. After a long, and rather agonizing process, I've decided that what I really want in life, and what I'm really gifted at, is helping people. I have a natural love for people and a willingness to do whatever it takes to help them that uniquely suits me for the position. It will never pay well, and it will largely be a thankless job with a lot of long hours, frustration and downright heartache. To be any good at it at all, Social Work will require the sacrifice of my shyness, my pride and any hope I ever had of becoming any kind of big shot. This will be a painful and often miserable process. It's one I should undergo anyway. I think that I'm doing the right thing. I hope and pray that I am doing the right thing; and I'm getting increasingly excited about the probability of going back to school this summer.

From mid-March until mid-June, at least, I will be a seriously full-time babysitter. Jasmin got her job at Social Security - God bless her! - and will be in training in Columbus during that time period. I'll be getting her son on the bus in the morning, and off the bus at night, until Matt gets home at whatever time a night it is that Matt gets to come home. He works like 70+ hours a week, and sometimes he'll be home at five and sometimes not until after 10 at night. I'll be babysitting every day but Saturday and Sunday, all day, when the boy goes on summer vacation, too.

This is a tremendous amount of responsibility for me. I am not always a person who responds well to domestic responsibility. I'm pretty nervous about it, but also very excited. I like kids, and I like soccer practices and playing basketball, and even working on homework. So all of those things will be very good and I'm looking forward to it.

Insofar as the meaning of life goes, I'm making progress. I'm happier than I've ever been in many respects. I'm learning how to make sense of both the good and bad aspects of my life without indulging in either self-pity or excessive pride. I've begun to feel, for the first time in my life, that I have a real and noticable attachment to - and meaning in - the world around me. I have learned to love my neighbor as myself, and myself as a creature made in God's own image and likeness. I screw up a lot. I still swear at people when stuck in traffic jams. But I'm making progress. I'm excited about what God has in store for my future.

As I wrote before, I'm not a particularly entertaining person. I was reminded the other day, however, of the funniest joke I ever heard.

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

Today has been Productive.

Today has been a productive day.

I finally filed my taxes. I will have a refund. Yay! Only like $120, but I'm not complaining. Hell, that's $120 that's not in my pocket right now, that will be soon. That's something to shout for joy over.

I talked to my niece's school district again today. They owe me well over a thousand dollars, by my estimation, in back reimbursement for transporting the kid to the deaf school. They approved the fund transfer at their board meeting on the sixth, but forgot to call me back and tell me that I needed to present them with an invoice for the work I did. So I called them today, found that out, popped the puppy out on Excel and I'll drop it off today or tomorrow. With any luck at all I'll have my money in a week or two.

So in other words, with my luck, maybe by summer I'll see something resembling money. Yay! Some day, I'll have some money! That's a happy thought!

I redid my mother's medication list for the hospital. She did it herself last time, typo'd, and was actually overdosed at the hospital last time round. This time I did it myself - because I'm freakishly anal and detail-oriented as hell about things like that - and there aren't any more mistakes. So now we're straight on that. Way to go, productive-mode Sarah!

What else? I've worked a little on my personal statement for grad school, though I intend working more on that later. I need to email the lady in charge and find out more precise details about all of the things I need to apply properly.

I want to start working on Jasmin's computer later this afternoon, so I can have that project finished by the end of this week. While I'm there I'll print out my mom's medication chart, and my log for Britty.

So, yay for productivity! Back to work.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Broke.

I just checked my bank statement. I officially have $11 in my accounts. A whopping $5 in savings and $6 in checking. Oh man, unemployment totally rules. I should be getting my check any day now; and when I do, I'll return to the quadruple digits rather than the single. God I hope it comes sooner rather than later. I have another $5 secretly stowed away in my room, but man, I don't want to have to start dipping into the emergency funds.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Ulrich Haarbuerste.

This is brilliant. And disturbing.

"Hello, and welcome to my homepage. My name is Ulrich Haarb├╝rste and I like to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film. If you have written any stories about Roy being completely wrapped in clingfilm please send them to me and I may put them up on the site. If you have a site with stories about other pop stars being wrapped in cling-film mail me and we can exchange links. "