Thursday, February 24, 2005

Last Day of Normal.

It's sort of hard to explain how tonight somehow became the last normal night of my life. That's an overly dramatic way of putting it. A more proper way, I guess, would be to say that my routine's about to change a lot, and today's my last day of normalcy. I've turned into something of a control freak over the last year or so, and I'm getting grumpier and grumpier about routine changes all of the time, so all day long I've been digging in and trying to hold on to each moment as it passes.

I've learned so much about life in this past year, and especially since graduation. My adjustment to getting out of school has been horrible. In fact, it can relatively fairly be stated that I haven't adjusted to getting out of school at all. I've gotten new routines, but I haven't gotten one that has any chance of permanance. Even my permanent plans have been temporary plans. I have the next three years all planned, and after that, I'll need a new plan.

But I think in three years, I'll be more prepared for adult life. I'm much more prepared now than I was even three months ago. I never knew it would be so difficult to define myself as an adult. I was always acutely aware of growing up, but I never could pin down that magical moment when I can say that I'm really grown up.

What I do know is that I love my life and the people in it. I love my mom and dad, even when they're driving me crazy. I feel as if I've gained a whole new family over the course of this last year, and I'm as in love with them as I ever have been with my own flesh and blood. I feel like, for maybe the first time in my life, I really have people pulling for me who care about me because of who I am. I feel like I'm being loved, and not only just tolerated.

I think that I always had that, at least on a certain level. But with all of my problems and mistaken perceptions, I never felt it. I never could see it. But God has cleared away much of the darkness from my eyes. I know that the process is just beginning. I know that there's much more work to do here. I'm terrified of changing, but I'm getting excited about the change. I want so much to be the person I was intended to be; to be free of all my pride and delusions and self-imposed misery. To shine; to reflect the image of God; to light up the world with His love.

I hope that everyone is becoming happier in life and more of who they really are. I hope we're all thinking more about love and less about all of the meaningless burdens of mortal life. I hope that when everyone goes to sleep tonight, they're warm and they're safe, and that they know that someone cares about them.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on us sinners!