Monday, February 14, 2005


I just lost a blog about meaningful things. Meh. Not going to retrace all that nonsense again!

I'm struggling with this blog because, as I wrote earlier, I no longer really understand why I'm writing. It's not just to catch people up on my life; I do remarkably little of that these days. It's not to explore the meaning of life in a forum in which I can receive feedback; I've never been thrilled with that aspect of this blog anyway. I'm not a very entertaining writer, really, so it's not to make some nameless, faceless audience smile.

So if not that, then what?

To an extent, this blog has always existed as a sort of symbolic representation of my space on the internet. This is my presence. In the mass of data that is the information highway, to sound very 1999, this is my tiny stretch of road. That's an honorable goal in some ways. But insofar as I've been sort of reidentifying myself over the past few years, and insofar as I don't always care to share all or even much of me in the public sphere, it's become difficult to keep up.

So what do I write about here? Friends I've lost touch with usually know the basics of my existence. I graduated from college back in August with a B.A. in History. I haven't found a job yet. Partially because none interest me, and in part because the job market where I live sucks, and I'm unwilling to move.

In more specific and fresher news, I have decided to go back to school. I'm going to get my Masters in Social Work. After a long, and rather agonizing process, I've decided that what I really want in life, and what I'm really gifted at, is helping people. I have a natural love for people and a willingness to do whatever it takes to help them that uniquely suits me for the position. It will never pay well, and it will largely be a thankless job with a lot of long hours, frustration and downright heartache. To be any good at it at all, Social Work will require the sacrifice of my shyness, my pride and any hope I ever had of becoming any kind of big shot. This will be a painful and often miserable process. It's one I should undergo anyway. I think that I'm doing the right thing. I hope and pray that I am doing the right thing; and I'm getting increasingly excited about the probability of going back to school this summer.

From mid-March until mid-June, at least, I will be a seriously full-time babysitter. Jasmin got her job at Social Security - God bless her! - and will be in training in Columbus during that time period. I'll be getting her son on the bus in the morning, and off the bus at night, until Matt gets home at whatever time a night it is that Matt gets to come home. He works like 70+ hours a week, and sometimes he'll be home at five and sometimes not until after 10 at night. I'll be babysitting every day but Saturday and Sunday, all day, when the boy goes on summer vacation, too.

This is a tremendous amount of responsibility for me. I am not always a person who responds well to domestic responsibility. I'm pretty nervous about it, but also very excited. I like kids, and I like soccer practices and playing basketball, and even working on homework. So all of those things will be very good and I'm looking forward to it.

Insofar as the meaning of life goes, I'm making progress. I'm happier than I've ever been in many respects. I'm learning how to make sense of both the good and bad aspects of my life without indulging in either self-pity or excessive pride. I've begun to feel, for the first time in my life, that I have a real and noticable attachment to - and meaning in - the world around me. I have learned to love my neighbor as myself, and myself as a creature made in God's own image and likeness. I screw up a lot. I still swear at people when stuck in traffic jams. But I'm making progress. I'm excited about what God has in store for my future.

As I wrote before, I'm not a particularly entertaining person. I was reminded the other day, however, of the funniest joke I ever heard.

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."