Thursday, January 08, 2004

I’m getting all frazzled. I don’t know what the hell is up with my eye. I woke up yesterday and it was all bloody red. I’d assumed that I’d busted a blood vessel, but now I’m not so sure. For one thing, it faded in a couple of hours and I only had traces of it left; though, the trace is still hanging on. I don’t think busted blood vessels clear up that fast; though, I do have super healing powers. Anyway, I’m not going to the doctor over it, so I’ll try to make this my last mention of it. As an expression of general anxiety, that is. In any case, I hope my eye pops out and I don’t have to go to school for a few days. Hell, it’s worth it to get out of Astronomy tonight.

I’m not looking forward to today. I don’t want to go to Russian class. It’s not that the class is bad; I like it on the whole. It’s just that my Prof. has decided that I don’t talk enough, and she’s going to try to force more speech out. Now, mind you, I’m not marked for my shyness in speaking in class, particularly. And that’s what makes me nervous. I spoke in class at least five times yesterday. I don’t understand how I might not be talking enough. Much more than I worry about not talking enough, I have a general fear of being one of those assholes who talk way too much, and step on other people. Yet, that’s the direction I’m being shoved. And I guess I’ll go.

I don’t feel well. That’s part of what’s making this week so bad. And it isn’t exactly so bad; I mean, I really can’t complain that much about it if I want to be objective. Hell, I’ve spent all sorts of time with people whose company I enjoy. But physically, I’m a bit under the weather. And mentally, I’m haphazard and frustrated. So I’m saying all sorts of things I’ll later regret having said. And I’ll be damned if I’m not in physical pain quite a lot. I’m even taking aspirin for it kind of regularly, which is approximately as common an occurrence for me as deciding I need to start wearing my hair in pigtails. In other words, I’ve never actually done it before; and the likelihood of it ever happening was previously incalculable.

In addition, my grandfather’s back in the hospital. My grandfather being back in the hospital means that my mother’s being pressed to do too much. So I worry about both of them. And my grandmother, too, of course, since she’s so dependent on grandpa. The only good part about this hospitalization is that they think it’s only pneumonia, and that’s a fairly in-and-out sort of ailment in my family. My mom must get it five times a year, usually in the winter and early spring. So hopefully my grandfather will have my mother’s ability to kick the damn thing. The other stuff he’s been in hospitals for lately have been much more serious.

Damnit, this blog sounds whiney. I apologize for it. But it can’t be helped. I feel obligated to blog, and since my thoughts aren’t exactly lofty, you’re not going to get particularly lofty blogs either. I’m working on cheering myself up, honestly. And I promise nicer blogs over the weekend.