Saturday, January 31, 2004

My blogs haven’t been great lately. I apologize for that. But I want to qualify it, too. I’m going through a lot internally right now that I’m not terribly comfortable shoving onto the public sphere. Being the introvert that I am, I like to work everything out internally before I go all voyeuristic about it. But I am willing to hint a little at the things I’ve been thinking about.

I’ve been thinking mostly about who I am in the world. I’ve written previously about the concept of identity and how I believe it is that I fit into life on Earth. In abstract terms, loosely, I am the creation of God and a member of the body of Christ. What that means in the physical terms through which my life is lived, however, remains a bit elusive to me.

I retain a lot of my Eastern religious self-upbringing. The way I view my life is through a lens of responsibility. I believe, as Krishna taught, that I must attend to my duties. And if I do that, then I will have done what I am here to do in the universe. Because I have a slight perfectionist streak in my psyche, I’m really terribly harsh on myself I fail. The past few weeks in particular have underscored that last point. If I feel as if I’ve messed up, and I can’t go back and fix it, it’s really almost enough to keep me from functioning. Something in my brain, in my sense of self-worth, in my conviction that there’s meaning in the universe, just stops when I begin to think that I’ve really messed up.

I see responsibility everywhere. I have a responsibility to my parents, my friends, my teachers, my self, my God. And it seems like I never quite live up to my end of the deal. I thoroughly expect that every one of those groups I listed will fail me; and somehow I’m okay with that. But when I think about my own failures, I get almost sick over it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of the interconnectedness of man. I’ve been thinking about how I am personally responsible for the sins of every man, and that, every other person on Earth has a personal responsibility for my sins in return. It’s a strange thing, but I have an easier time accepting the first premise, though the promise of the latter one is more attractive.

What I know is that, in the end, I’ve been thinking entirely too much about my self. I’ve been selfish, and I’ve self-indulged. I need to stop it though I don’t know how just yet. I need to meditate more and be less a part of the world.