Saturday, December 03, 2005

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now...

I keep changing my mind about things.

This blog, for instance. I intended it for a certain audience, which is not always the audience I get. I've watched my sister get in all manner of trouble for stuff she puts on her website, and I don't want to have to deal with all that pressure. So I considered shutting this down.

But I like my blog. I miss it when it's gone. It's public access, so I can't control who comes here. And, while I generally consider myself pretty responsible about what content I post, I'm still super paranoid that somebody will get upset about something. I'm not worried about defending myself; I don't post anything here that I wouldn't say to someone's face. But I don't like to think that someone will confront my mom about something I've written, and she'll be in the bad position of having to defend me. My mom isn't responsible for my opinions, and she shouldn't be the person anyone complains to if they don't like my blog.

So, long story short: I'm going to continue to blog. I don't intend to intentionally hurt/offend/upset anyone with what I post. But if it so happens that you don't like my content, my only request is that you take it up with me without turning it into a family wide fiasco. I'm not a gossip. I won't gossip about anyone in this space; I would appreciate it if you would refrain from gossiping about my blog to other family members. I think it's a fair request.

Unpleasantness aside, this week has been miserable. I had to attend a relative's funeral and it was maybe the most miserable thing I've ever had to do. Babies aren't supposed to die. Violence is not supposed to be a part of any baby's life. I can't sleep thinking about all of the misery of the situation. A baby is dead; his father will probably be spending the most substantial part of the rest of his life in prison; our family, grandmothers, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends, will have to wrestle with the ramifications of the event for the rest of our lives.

It's unfair. It seems like too much misery for one family to bear; like too much misery for one world to have to bear. And I think that it is. It's too much.

I have a lot of thoughts banging around in my head. The suffering of an innocent child - not just this child, any child - is enough to make me stop believing in goodness. A child's suffering and death is enough to make anyone question meaning. What the hell sort of world is this, where babies can suffer and die?

I know that Jesus is the answer to all questions. I know that Jesus was the ultimate innocent. I know that He was born, and lived, and suffered and died, and that He didn't deserve any of it. I know that his suffering was worse than anyone's suffering - that, in fact, it was everyone's suferring. I know that somehow it was even more unfair than the death of this baby, who wasn't even given a month of real life on this Earth.

But all of the things I know aside, questions continue to nag. God gave up His only son, but even God's sacrificial son was allowed to grow up.

That's the wrong way to think. That's the devil worming in on my misery. And I refuse to give it more credence than it deserves. All things work together for the glory of God. It's true; it's a fact. My lack of understanding is my deficiency alone and not the deficiency of God.

I will not give way to despair. Despair is pride perverted to the degree that it has abandoned even God. Instead, we must look to Jesus to comfort us in our suffering.

I don't understand this world. I don't agree. But this universe is God's universe, and God's universe is not without meaning. There is no such thing as senseless violence; only the working of an omnibenevolent God in a fallen world.