Thursday, October 24, 2002

Bah, it's almost three in the morning.

This summer, three in the morning was the equivalent of early evening for me. I made a habit of falling asleep shortly before dawn. But it's incredibly stupid for me to be writing this now when I have to wake up in the morning for the dreaded seven hour day.

Yeah, sounds pretty scary and all, a seven hour day. But school hours, and especially intensely discussion oriented school hours, are a lot more tiring for me than a normal work day. Especially when I've been lazy and falling behind in my reading and I have to struggle to keep up.

I had a rough night. Someone, we'll call Friend X, angered me. Friend X was insulted this evening by someone he/she has to deal with at work. As Friend X was telling me the story, I felt quite bad for him/her. Then Friend X said something along the lines of "stupid Jew." I said, "what?" And Friend X said "She looked like a Jew."

I lost it at this point, for reasons I'm not entirely sure of. I'm not usually overly sensitive to ethnic slurs. But it annoyed me. Friend X should know better than to say things like this, and I found it disappointing. Friend X has probably never met a real Jew in his/her life. I'm the closest thing Friend X has to a Jew, and my family's been all good and turncoated for three generations. Jews have never done anything to Friend X. Friend X has no justification for hating Jews. When Friend X makes nasty comments about Jews, or as was the occasion of our last such spat, when people speak a foreign language in public, it annoys me. Particularly because, given our locale, the chance that this person was actually a Jew is next to nil. Friend X likely never thought this person was a Jew at all, but was merely covering for the fact he/she had used the phrase "stupid Jew" to describe someone he/she was mad at.

A few minutes later, I was acting withdrawn. Friend X says “are you mad?” And I promise that I’m not. Why would I promise I’m not, when I am? Because I don’t want to come off as being all PC? More likely, because, I always say that I’m not mad because I hate fighting. Plus, why should I get all up in arms about Friend X’s bigotry? He/she has a right to it. It’s a free country after all.


You know what, Friend X? Don’t use that language around me again. Don’t insult people because they’re different than you. Don’t justify your hate by saying that someone hated you first. That kind of stuff is poison, and I don’t need it in my life. I have enough trouble wrestling my own hypocrisy without having yours creep into my mind unaware.

Speaking of my own hypocrisy...I'm feeling self-conscious for having written this. But I think I'm right on this one, I really do. So I'm going to go ahead and post it and allow myself to feel all the guilt I'm wont to feel over it.

God, I'd better be able to fall asleep soon.