Monday, March 03, 2003

Mom's supposed to get a test tomorrow that will conclusively determine whether or not she has a blood clot. The test carries a risk of killing her kidney. The transplant doctor apparently (I wasn't there, I heard this second hand and I'm always wary about these things) estimates the risk to be only 1% in mom's case. I'm an optimist at heart. I really am. So I've decided not to worry about it. Nevertheless, to cover bases, I'm going to skip Art again tomorrow so I can be there if anything goes wrong. It'll be really devastating if things get messed up. For multiple obvious reasons. I'm glad I'm old enough to donate a kidney now. I wasn't the first time around.

I hate the girl in my German group. She doesn't know what she's doing. But rather than shut up and get out of the way, she thinks it's important to tell everyone, including the Professor, repeatedly and loudly that she doesn't know what she's doing. She of course insists on taking the lead in the project in spite of her oft-professed ignorance and she isn't fond of suggestions from her groupmates. Ahh, well, at least she's begged so much help from the Professor that we ought to get a good grade in the end even if completing the 10-minute assignment takes us all week.

I was supposed to go down to Columbus to see mom today, but she says she doesn't want me to. I don't know if it's because she's supersensitive to my boredom factor (which, while I am bored as hell there, I'm perfectly willing to overlook personally), or if she's afraid that with dad around she'll try to smoke (yay! She's quitting - or, says she is. Can't get too excited because she's resolved to do this before. But it's progress, and I believe in hope), or if the real reason is she feels guilty for falling asleep constantly. Worse yet, she could be afraid that if I knew what was going on, I'd make her do things she doesn't want to do, like get the tests she's afraid of getting because she's claustrophobic. I yelled at her on the phone today for that, and that's when all this don't come down business came up. Still, I want to believe the best of her, so I told her I wouldn't come down based solely on the fact that I want her to sleep if her body's telling her to sleep, and I don't want to disturb her if sleep is what she needs.

So today has been oddly normal after last weekend. I woke up, went to school, came home and will apparently stay home. I'm relishing the normalcy, even though I'm not overly calmed. Dad and I have to find something to eat tonight. Maybe we'll go somewhere good. I wouldn't mind Mexican, or Greek, or even a pizza or something. I know it seems funny to be obsessing over food at such a time. But I think I'm obsessing because food is: A) tangible; B) controllable; C) tasty. When dealing with unknown illnesses, in situations in which your actions are dictated by people in lab coats who don't really care about you or even know you, and when your only chance to eat for days has been in five minute increments on the run from a vending machine, the idea that you can choose a food, out of a list of foods that you like, and eat it slowly and leisurely if you like, is insanely comforting.

Really ought to email people and tell them I'm alive. But I feel like an ass telling people how horrible my weekend was. It sounds whiny or like I'm fishing for pity or something. But I've been caught before telling people that everything's fine, then when they hear that they really aren't, they get kind of upset. Like I don't trust them with my problems or something. I don't know how to draw lines in these situations. I obsess over the stupidest things sometimes.