Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Today has been one of the lousier days of my existence. I started it off sick, of course, but I've had a dozen conflicts throughout the day.

First problem: I heard this morning that my German teacher will be gone for an unspecified amount of time next year. This isn't a problem if the University decides to hire a replacement. It's an annoyance, but it's tolerable. If the University doesn't hire a replacement, and his absence concurs with my last quarter of German, then I'm incredibly, incredibly screwed. I need four quarters of German, and I've completed three. If he's gone, I can't finish my fourth until he comes back. If he doesn't come back next year, then I can't finish German, which means I can't possibly graduate on time.

Problem Two: My father got a call from my aunt today, they want to put my grandmother in a nursing home. This pisses me off a lot. It's not that she couldn't use extra help; it's that she sure as hell won't get help in a nursing home. Nursing homes aren't about nursing, they're about sending people away to die. I could read all sorts of nasty things into this. Like the bastards want her money (this isn't entirely unfounded, they seem to be hinting about selling grandma's farm already and she isn't even in the nursing home yet). In any case, I just pissed myself off again by going off about the whole situation and probably making my dad feel worse about the problem than he already did. On the one hand, he deserves it for not involving himself more and for letting all of this happen. But that doesn't mean that I should be the one to deliver the guilt. I'm hardly the person to do it. It isn't as if I can fix any of the problems.

Problem Three: My father lives at my grandmother's house. If they sell my grandmother's house, they sell my father's house and that means he has to move back in here. This is problematic on so many levels that I can hardly talk about it. In a normal family, he'd be expected to get an apartment. But in mine, he'll come back to the house and it'll screw up absolutely everything. My parents are separated because they DON'T get along. Their fighting ruined my childhood, so I guess it's only fitting that it could screw up my adulthood too. If my father moves back in here, I lose all my scholarships. This is doubly a problem because I have to go to grad school on top of it. While paying for a year of college straight out of the pocket sucks, it's tolerable. But having to pay for all of my damn grad school myself is pretty intolerable. It may be the difference between my becoming Dr. Sarah, and becoming Miss Sarah the bitter ass fucking History teacher who hates everyone because she shouldn't have had to get stuck in this dump of a public high school. I mean hell, I could always go into debt $120,000 to get a meaningful job with an average salary of $30,000 per year, but how is it worth the sacrifice?

Seriously, I should have become a nurse. They only go to school for two years, they make loads of money, and they're nearly always bitchy so I would have been allowed to keep my bitter attitude without too much of an inquisition over the matter.

Things may work out. They'll probably work out in fact. I have no doubt of it really. But I'm discouraged as hell today. And I can't stand to see my saint of a grandmother subjected to the idiocy and selfishness of her children. I hate the hippie generation. It's not a surprise that the younger generation is so conservative. We've seen our parents do every stupid, selfish, self-destructive, societally destructive, thing imaginable. And they wonder why we're not about "peace" and "love?" Well perhaps it's because we have a better conception of it than taking drugs, having sex, and taking no responsibility for ones self.