Friday, January 09, 2004

So, a happier blog today? Maybe.

The first news of the day is poor. I’m really much, much sicker than I was yesterday. And while Fridays really ought to be relaxing for me, I’m a jack ass and signed up for a class with a jack ass of a professor, who’s going to be pissed as hell at me that I’m dropping. Most profs don’t notice, much less care when people drop, but this guy’s psycho. I have to drop instead of just skip because I think we only have the class four times, so missing one is kind of a big deal. I’ll have to have the professor next quarter, too, for the most important class in my major. So, damn it.

But the good part? Well, I’m in a thousand times better mood today, in spite of mounting reasons not to be. For one thing, it’s the weekend, and it came faster than I could have expected. For another, I had a relatively low key sort of day yesterday. No major homework assignments or anything; my 70 page per night reading assignments, as Jasmin has so frequently invoked them, have ceased until Tuesday at least. And I can relax a little this weekend. Not only can I relax a little. I think I’ll actually mostly have to, since I don’t really have any plans to do anything. And, perhaps more compellingly, I think I have pink eye, which rules out most normal human contact.

And, yesterday, I had a little time to think. And I thought about a lot of the things which are wrong in my life right now and are making me miserable. The crux of it, of course, is that my life isn’t really making me miserable; I just am miserable. Which isn’t to say that specific situations don’t have any influence on anything, but it’s to emphasize the point that I’m busy making my own destiny, and I’m ultimately responsible for what I get. I’ve been cynical recently, so, no surprise, things look negative. Not only do I need to stop that, but I need to replace it with something better. And I don’t mean blind optimism either.

I know the key to my own happiness. Two weeks ago I was so close to it that I could’ve kissed its forehead. And now I’m stumbling around lost again. But I keep finding road signs in the strangest places, and the most unexpected people are leading me back down the straight and narrow path. All I have to do is walk the damn thing; I have all the help in the world. And if it’s the hardest thing I’ll ever do, it's still infinitely less hard than the alternative.