Tuesday, February 03, 2004

I'm pretty tired of life in general. It's not that I'm depressed. I'm just kind of tired. School has a way of dragging on far past the point I'd like it to.

But I'm also kind of happy. I've been having a hard time lately accepting my eccentricities. On the whole, I'm happier about being sort of strange than the majority of strange people are. I've always felt like an alien in this world, but I never felt like that was a bad thing. Sometimes it was a very lonely thing, but on the whole, I was always convinced that it was my destiny to bear that cross. Nevertheless, lately it's been a burden. I want so badly to identify with people sometimes, but somehow I never seem to be able.

Last night I was having a conversation with somebody about all the ways I could have potentially grown up. And I remembered all over again why I'm happy to be strange. It was only through being such a social reject that I ever managed growing up at all. Had I been more sensitive to criticism or praise, acceptance or the lack thereof, I would have been quite a different person. Or had I been even a little less sensitive to any of that, perhaps I would have lost my humanity. Had I been different, I probably would have been a person more like a lot of people I know in my family; kids with kids, kids with drug problems, kids with no futures to speak of, unless, God willing, they find a miracle that turns them around.

It isn't that I'm feeling superior; I'm most decidedly not. But I am feeling thankful. The road to salvation is easy, but sometimes making yourself walk that road is hard. My life has never been easy because that's the nature of life on this mortal coil; I don't know anyone who's had an easy life, regardless of the specifics of their situation. But somehow, I was guided to keep on the straight and narrow, almost entirely in spite of myself. And I'm glad for it, even as I resolve to discipline myself more severely and change my mindset more zealously.