Wednesday, February 11, 2004

My procrastination is coming back to bite me in the ass. I have to go to school quickly this morning, but I plan on skipping class today so I can write a paper. I'm really not ready for this. It's really pretty bad. And it's just getting worse, what with having an exam tomorrow, and exams Monday and Tuesday, and another big paper due Wednesday. I wish to hell I wasn't in the most undisciplined mood I've been in since...well, a long time, anyway.

The only thing that's keeping me afloat at this point is this very strange friendship I've been developing recently. It feels strange to tell someone so much about myself so quickly, and to think that maybe it's okay to do so. Knowing that I'm equal parts listener in this thing is interesting as well. I feel like I've made a lasting connection with somebody. The cynic in me is just waiting for it to fall apart.

But unfortunately, that's the way I think. I'm uncomfortable with happiness. I have this belief, straight from the gut, that happiness doesn't last. And if happiness starts to last, I'm quick to squash it. I can be completely self-destructive sometimes. It's only in the context of some longterm relationship with someone that I'm going to learn to allow myself to be happy; because, it's only in that context that I ever remember not to be so hard on myself. Maybe that's why I'm so ambivalent about longterm relationships, really. I don't even mean exclusively romantic relationships. Just relationships in general.

Anyway, I'm thinking about graduating next quarter. I can if I want to. I'd not been planning on it because I don't really want to put down roots here in Mansfield. I want to be busy doing something unpleasant here, so I can remember that I want to leave. But on the other hand, I could get by next year, working two days a week if I wanted to. Or maybe I could just go part-time to school, or maybe I could just take language courses or something. I don't know. I'm starting to hate this place.

I don't have time to develop any of this into a good post. There isn't time for anything at all. I have to run.