Monday, December 13, 2004

Building on last night's post: I am not a coffee drinker. I realize that I tread on thin ice with this post because coffee drinkers are a wired and angry people.

Here's an example of why coffee drinkers scare me: Coffee Dealer's Website. The author has ten reasons you should start using coffee, and boy, if it were marijuana this guy was selling, we would've learned to recognize these arguments in fifth grade D.A.R.E. class.

Coffee, the author tells us in bold, "makes you more aware." It gives you "heightened senses." You're going to feel more connected to the world, man. And it's a good thing that you will, because coffee drinking gives you a new "personality and identity." Coffee drinkers are "cultured." Coffee is an image builder; after all, it's all about being cool and fitting in, and all the cool kids are drinking it! Coffee, the author tells us, will get you girls. Coffee is what adults drink, and "you'd better get used to it now," because someday you'll have to ask yourself: "Dare [I] say no to what may be frowned upon by the person offering it?"

If you don't drink coffee, you're disconnected. You're a nobody; you're not a mature adult and you definitely don't have a cool, college-age persona. You're never going to get a date, and you're going to look totally lame all the days of your youth unless you start brewing a pot right now.

I am not a coffee drinker. I do not enjoy the taste of coffee, I know perfectly well that it's addictive, and I have no need to fit in with the coffee drinking mafia. I will not spend my hard-earned pittance (and I mean the pittance part literally) at some corporate drug cartel like Starbucks. I just don't need it. There are better sources of caffeine (Mt. Dew, notably), and if I really want to get out of bed in the morning, I can drink the much healthier and effective orange juice.

And I have a residual bitterness against coffee drinking from my childhood. My parents are hooked on this stuff. Neither my mom or dad can get out of the house in the morning without a half a pot of the nasty stuff in them. Well, at least, they believe they can't. Last month when my dad had to get some blood work run, he twitched and moaned so long about having to leave without his morning coffee, I briefly considered letting his veins for him the hard way, to save him a trip to town. We both would have been happier; as he breathed his dying breath, he would have asked me to refill his Cleveland Browns memorial coffee mug.

By far the most insidious manifestation of their coffee addiction, however, is their need to wake everyone up early to facilitate their consumption of coffee. An example: this morning I have to take my car to the shop. My father told me that we had to get up at 7 to get the car there on time. So I roll out of bed at 6:45 so I won't be late, my dad finally gets up at 7. I'm assuming that we need to get there about 7:30. No, turns out it only takes five minutes to get there, and we had to get up at 7, to get the car there at 8, because otherwise: "How would we have time to drink our coffee?"

I hate waking up early. I hate coffee.