Sunday, December 18, 2005

Between wakefulness and dreams.

This week has been sort of bittersweet. It seems like my priorities are out of balance. Maybe I’m being tested.

I’ve wanted something for a very long time. I’ve begged for it, and wept over it, and suffered miserably so I could have it. And maybe now it’s mine. But I just don’t know if it’s worth it. Not if it hurts someone I love.

There’s a problem with basing your joy in temporal things: they pass. It’s easily recognized in material objects. They rust; they break; they turn to dust. But human love is temporal too. Fathers die eventually; a husband will leave you; children move away once they’re raised; and, best friends grow apart.

How can love ever be happy when you and I are not the same? When you need me in a way that’s different from the way that I need you?

All I’ve ever wanted is stability. To love and be loved. To sacrifice for another and to find a sacrifice in return. I haven’t found that here on Earth. Maybe it’s not here on Earth at all.

A perfect love is only satisfied with perfect reciprocation. How can an imperfect love ever be satisfied? Can I be happy forever giving, forever sacrificing and expecting – and usually finding - nothing in return? Is it enough to play a part in your life, always supporting you and never creating my own?

My own. What is my own? I’ve found that my own can be smothered. My own can disappear into you and your concerns and your needs. My own can wait a little longer, if it must. My own is not yet born, and maybe I will choose not to bring it forth.

But if I do, what will it be? My world has always been distant and dreamy. I have always lived in dreams and fantasies, in obscure philosophy and imaginary moments frozen in time. What is the ethereal manifest in carbon-based creation?

I’m so tired. I’ve been run gloriously ragged. I don’t sleep much. I don’t rest much. I desire neither sleep nor rest. When will it all come crashing down?