Wednesday, December 25, 2002

I'm sort of depressed. Not surprising really.

It seems unfair that some people are so incredibly disadvantaged from birth that they can manage to ruin their entire adult lives before they've even begun adulthood.

How can you have faith in people who continually disappoint you? Is it right to try to help people who won't help themselves?

It's strange to be protective of people who sin so publicly. How can you protect a person's dignity without justifying their behavior? How can you begin to defend dignity in someone who claims, and behaves as if, they have none?

I believe that love can conquer all things. I believe that love can cover a multitude of sins. I believe that we ought each to love each other; and that, if we all really and truly loved one another, we would all find our salvation.

Mother Teresa wrote about seeing Jesus in the face of the dying. She said that we should practice love in our every day lives. She picked up one dying man, to help him die with dignity. And then another, and another, and another, until she became a living saint. I haven't picked anyone up. I haven't given anyone an onion.

When will I begin to contribute to the world in earnest? If not now, then when? How do I begin? Is it true that, knowing what it will mean for me, I really want to? Who am I that I should be so conflicted? Do the saints ever question the cost of their sainthood? Do great heroes have to ask why they should adventure?

Life is hard. And not so hard for me as some; which I'm discovering is a burden unto itself.

I'm so sorry for so much. And so alone. What I wouldn't give to hear the voice across the wire again. What I wouldn't give to build back the bridges I've burned.