Monday, February 17, 2003

I’m on a regular emotional rollercoaster. The other day I was possibly as euphoric as I’ve ever found myself, today I’m talking myself out of jumping off a bridge. Now, I have good reasons for feeling the way I do. I’m not mindlessly floundering emotionally. It isn’t as if I’m out of control, or mentally unbalanced. Or, at least, I’m not particularly so. It’s just that I spent a long time sowing the seeds of my own dysfunction. Now, like it or not, I have to reap what I’ve sown. Pretty much all of the pain I’m feeling at the moment is quite self-imposed. I deserve it; so I don’t want to take it out on the world. But it’s hard to fight a good whine every now and then.

The only thing worse than having to pay for your sins, is possibly, waiting to pay for them. It’s hard to understand that you deserve to suffer, and even to some extent to want to suffer for the purpose of purification, and yet to fear that suffering with every fabric of your being. It’s selfish at the root. But it’s also selfless to an extent. I can’t stand the idea of hurting anyone. By the time this is all over, I will undoubtedly have hurt a lot of people. But I didn’t mean it. I’m just so stupid and backward sometimes. I do things so incredibly wrong; but I swear, I never meant to hurt anyone, ever. All I’ve ever wanted is to love, and be loved; all I wanted was good story, good friendship, good times. But I messed up by being selfish and stupid. I ruined the thing I loved most.

I’m lonely and frustrated right now. I wish I had someone to talk to. But I don’t and I can’t talk to anyone really. I’m hoping that school gets cancelled tomorrow. Main campus is closed. But my chances of getting out of school are approximately nihil, unless we get out of class just because main campus does, which I doubt. We never close. Guess I ought to get up early tomorrow. And that means I ought to have gone to bed early. Oh well.

Tomorrow’s my dad’s birthday. I haven’t gotten him anything yet. We celebrated today. I thought everyone was going to wait until tomorrow to give him their presents, but they gave today. I told him I was a jerk, and he’d have to wait until his actual birthday for his present. Really, I was just stalling. Why does he have to be so damn difficult to buy for anyway? He may end up with something homemade if we get snowed in. heh, maybe I’ll give him his set of Lord of the Rings back. Or maybe I’ll let him have my old Father Brown stories. We’ll see.

Snow, please, please, please keep accumulating. Until there’s no way anyone can drive. And school gets cancelled. And I can wallow in self-pity all day, if I like. Please, please, please.