Friday, April 25, 2003

Last night I went to sleep with the revelation that someone's been quietly resenting me for some time now. It isn't a fair resentment. All of the rage in me wants to rise up and tell the person off for being a hypocrite and for making decisions that generally make them unhappy, and then blaming it on me. I'm so angry over it, I could easily tell the person to piss off forever. But then I also know that emotions aren't ruled by logic. I know my general malaise of melancholy is unrelated to my actual existence; why should I expect someone else to resent me for only just and well-considered reasons? So I'll suffer it quietly. I won't continue in anger. I won't tell anyone off to teach them a lesson. I'm tired of trying to make myself the lesson-bringer. I'm tired of my endless quest to procure justice for myself. It was always one of my better, more annoying, qualities that I was concerned with mercy for my brother. I was hypocritical and insensitive about it sometimes, to be sure, but it still represented a better side of me; a side of me that I feel faltering as I've become older, and much more naturally and unnaturally judgmental. I want to focus more on the well-being of those around me, and less on the, often minuscule, wrongs done to me, which nevertheless have a much better trackrecord of having kept me up at night.

I've been having such a rough time of things mentally lately. I feel so unstable. As if it's my blinding, overpowering, unquenchable need to go out and conquer the four corners of the Earth, and yet, as if so much as a funny look from a stranger could totally and utterly decimate me. I'm in a fragile state. I'm nowhere near the edge; but that damnable seed of self-destruction in me won't stop dragging me toward it. I crave the abyss, to be truthful, even as I crave oxygen and my own life. I know I'm stupid; and the knowledge of my own stupidity is annihilation. I don't know if it really disturbs me that "I" have been destroyed, or if it's only that my American need to recategorize myself somewhere as something, and my own inability to do so, has simply rendered me irritable.