I’ve been very depressed lately. I have good reason to be. The situation with my mother is deteriorating. I have concerns over my own budget and larger concerns about my parent’s budget. I just got the news that my sister’s health has taken a turn for the worse. I have no vehicle currently, and it sucks to have to beg for rides. I don’t like to rely on other people for things. I made an ass of myself the other day, in a situation I’d rather not talk about, and I really don’t want to face up to the consequences of it.
I can’t stop that nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me that I suck. I haven’t felt this badly about myself since Jr. High School. And I know that, rather than alleviating my troubles, I’m just piling them on. I know I’m being unreasonable. I know that “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And doggonit, people like me.”
But that doesn’t stop me from being unhappy.
Some days I wake up so utterly enamored with life that I can hardly force myself from my bed. And when I do, I tip toe around, quiet as a mouse, trying not to disturb the beauty of the world around me. There are days when I’m moved to tears thinking about great saints and great sinners. There are days when I’m absolutely stunned to just be.
But right now I feel very dead. All I can think about is how profoundly stupid I am. Sometimes I find myself audibly telling the bad memories in my head to shut up because I hate them. And while in happier days, catching myself telling myself to shut the hell up would be something that made me giddy with laughter, I’m not laughing now.
I question the value of posting this. I don’t want anyone to worry about me or feel sorry for me. But I also feel like I need to say it. I just need to vent. I have this pressing need to make some sort of desperate human contact; even though it's the last thing I want to do. And while it seems unfair to burden anyone with my problems, it seems more fair to let everyone know why I've been so screwed up lately here, where they’re not faced with the terrible responsibility of actually talking to me about it.
I’ve spent a lot of time in my life wanting to be an individual. Right now, I only wish I were a normal kid, with normal problems.
posted by Sarie @
10:33 PM
>Comments: 0
