Tuesday, October 29, 2002

According to Reuters, Myriad Genetics discovered a gene which directly causes human obesity.

I’m overjoyed.

Not for any really noble reason. Not because I’ll be glad to see people who’ve struggled with weight issues now able to stop them. Not because I’ll be glad to see people who’ve suffered weight related disease made well. No, I’m glad because it’s just more proof that those smug, thin, “I’ve always eaten everything I wanted and I’m not fat” jerks, are not morally superior to their fatter brethren.

See, folks, I’ve always held that fat people are the pinnacle of human evolution. Throughout history, famine has always come. And the people who survived famine were the people who managed to live off their body fat when there wasn’t any food around to eat. Human genes learned to conserve fat when times were good. Superior people were, and are, the people who had genes smart enough to keep them obese when there’s food enough around to get obese on.

When the great famine comes, my skinny friends, I’ll be kicking back, busting into my Snickers stash. And your proud, lanky frames will quickly wither away. Ahh, how the proud will be brought down low!