Monday, January 06, 2003

Tonight I found out that my grandfather has something called Myelodys Plastic Syndrome. In something like 40% of cases, people who have it end up developing leukemia. Those who don't, generally die of bone marrow failure.

I haven't any news on my father's tumor.

My mother didn't feel well tonight. I'm worried she might have caught something. Considering that she's on immuno-suppressant drugs because of her kidney transplant, it's always very very bad if she catches so much as a cold. It's the time of year she usually develops pneumonia. Considering her goddamn lousy lung function, pneumonia is very very bad.

I'm so tired of hospitals. It seems I've spent fucking years in hospitals; completely unable to do anything about what's hurting. People shouldn't have to suffer the way they do. I don't want to live forever, but I can't stand death. I'll die someday, and that's all I'll do for death. I won't cheer on pain and suffering just because someday we all have to die.

It's almost cruel to live in a world with so much hope. There was a time when death was an everpresent part of life. People still prayed for miracles, and visited medicine men; but they had to realize that death was a part of life. Everything was dangerous and there weren't any cures. Our world is different. We think we can live forever because of technological advance. The common cold used to kill in the thousands each year; how many school children do we send to school every day with a cold, expecting full well that they'll recover, and even if they're contagious, it isn't as if a cold is anything serious. We think we can live forever and we can't.

Life is suffering; and yet we all cling to life.