Tuesday, May 20, 2003

I had an odd dream last night. In the dream, Mike called April and I to tell us that he'd figured out his life. He'd join some church, and now everything was happy and good. He begged us to go with him, and even though I hate churches, I finally gave in and went. The church was a wee wisp of a thing, with evangelical types trying to be cool (you know the sort, shaggy hair and goatees on top their preppy ass clothes), and I was bored. They were watching some video instead of having a real preacher, to "appeal to the younger generation," and I just kept feeling more and more tired, and more and more ridiculous. So eventually, I fell asleep. When I woke up, nearly everyone was gone. I heard Mike say: "Look at this. How could she fall asleep when they're teaching the truth?" And I opened my eyes to see my English Bible prof, who under ordinary circumstance would certainly never be caught dead in such a stupid church, tell Mike: "It's okay. You know, she's one of them. You know, rich." And while Mike seemed to have no idea what he was talking about, I did. He was calling me a Jew. And I was thinking: "You're damn right, you idiot evangelical! We were writing your holy scripture while your sorry barbarian ass was screwing sheep and bowing down to trees!"

It's an odd thing for me, but I've been dealing with some serious jealousy issues lately. I feel very unappreciated. I wonder why people will bend over backward to do things for other people, but not for me. In part, I know it's because I'm so mild, generally. I'm okay when people don't give me attention, or when they cling to each other more than me. People start to assume that I don't need attention since I don't ask for it; and besides, other people make it clear that they need attention, and you have to prioritize these things. But I still feel pretty generally rotten. I'm trying to get over it. It's a form of selfishness that I'm not fond of. And I know that there's a serious danger of falling into martyr-style thinking. I'm well-aware of my own tendency toward gloominess, and there's nothing like the gloominess of a martyr.

I should really be eating now, and studying. But meh, I'm tired of both. Hard to believe on the former count, I know.