Sunday, November 16, 2003

It's been a crazy evening. Nikki and I were supposed to watch Spartacus for extra credit in Roman History. So she rented the movie, and brought it over. And Mike was bored, so we ended up going to get him to watch it too.

Suffice it to say, in short, we never really watched Spartacus.

It began badly, with much dancing in my living room. I played guitar and harmonica poorly, to a poorly told random story of Mike's. Angela came over and we looked at pictures for a long time. We tromped about my meadow. I proceeded to kidnap Nikki and force her to go to the porn store. It was her first time, that innocent little Catholic school girl, and now she's had her porn virginity ripped away from her. We went to Meijer and got gum from Mr. Entertainer. There was much calling of Jasmin and Niki, to gloat over Nikki's kidnapping.

We ate too much. We put Spartacus in, and turned the volume down. We made up our own dialogue, which doesn't make any sense unless you're a Roman history buff. And even then it doesn't make any real sense.

In short, once upon a time there was a lady who had a baby, about a hundred years before Christ, and she called the baby Joey. But Joey decided that sounded too effeminate, so he changed it to Spartacus, on account of that's a great porn name in Latin. Joey grew up very willful, and ended up stuck a slave in the salt mines, where he didn't have a very good time of things. He tripped on a bum once, and dropped his salt out of his basket, and had to bite some other fellow's ankle to vent his anger.

Then he went to gladiator school, where he learned that Roman politics were split into two factions: those with nipples, and those, like Spartacus himself, who lacked them. The gladiators were fond of highly choreographed dancing. One day, Spartacus won a night with a wench, but just as she bared her shoulders to initiate love making, Spartacus heard some people laughing at his love making skills, and screamed that he wasn't an animal. The upthrust of this part of the story, is that it inserts them "hmm" guy into the plot.

Anyway, there's also a fat man named Cato, who has some figs from Africa. One day, he dropped them at the forum, and couldn't find them afterward. Someone had stolen his figs! That someone was Spartacus' evil nippleless faction. The nipplelesses staged a revolt while Cato was bathing with a hot guy. Cato made an impassioned speech, begging those who had stolen his figs to return them, but the Spartacii would not. Cato scored major points with the other senator for mentioning his masturbation habit.

Anyway, they all played Lord of the Rings for a while, and Spartacus' wench got knocked up in a river. Spartacus reviewed his team, watching as everyone had themselves a good time: a midget danced with a dog; men looked at pornographic wax tablets together; old people made love. But when Spartacus' team lost at Lord of the Rings, his wench and his baby were traded to the other team. She snuck the lost figs in her clothing, and brought them back to Rome with her. Everybody looked miserable and dead for a while, and then the wench finally gave Cato his figs back, and everybody went home happy. Except Spartacus, who got crucified for fig thievery.

At the end, the hmm guy said: "hmm" and we knew all was well with the world.