Why Do The Heathen Rage?

So going to the dentist today wasn’t a waste after all. I thought they’d talk about pulling my wisdom tooth, but instead, they actually did it. I had to drive myself home. It was kind of funny because I’m still nervous driving the truck after my accident. So I must have been doing about thirty the whole way home. I was just worried that I’d pass out randomly or something because that happens sometimes when you get a tooth jerked. Nothing that dramatic happened though. Getting my bottom ones taken out was more traumatic than getting this one pulled; but this one hurt a lot more. I hope I can keep the remaining tooth. I think I’ll have room for it in my big mouth. My dentist said, as he pulled out my tooth today: “Isn’t that the cutest tooth you’ve ever seen?” It didn’t seem all that cute to me. But it’s nice to know that there’s something attractive about me somewhere.

I’ve been sleeping on and off all day, thinking about how eventful my life has been in the past few weeks. I’m having to make all kinds of big decisions. I’m worried that I’m not doing the right thing. I’m worried that I’m putting expediency over my own well-being. And I’m worried that I’m just afraid that I won’t fit into the real world very well, and so I’m prolonging the inevitable. To tell the truth, right now, I’d be very happy to have graduated and have a steady job, with boring expectations, and some money in my bank account, even if it isn’t exactly my dream life. I just want some stability, and the lack of it I’m experiencing currently is disturbing.

I’m experiencing some real ideological anguish right now. I know that everyone has to sort through the issues I’m going through. But it seems like the answers are more readily apparent for other people. I’ve never been a very typical person, so typical answers rarely have occurred to me. For instance, most people grow up expecting that some day they’ll fall in love, get married, have a couple of kids, have a job and so on and so forth. I have no desire to fall in love, and sort of suspect that I’m incapable of it. That precludes marriage for me, which makes having children difficult. The idea of pouring my entire identity into my job is unappealing to me. And, more so, because I will probably end up with a very unfulfilling job. I don’t want to end up a boring person. I know that I am already boring sometimes, and the idea of plummeting headlong makes me worried.

So many of my friends are recently married, or getting married, and even people who swore they'd never have kids, are having their first children born. There’s a part of my identity that I’m surprised to find longing after that. I think it’s really just the stability of it all. In the modern world, marriage isn’t necessarily forever. But it feels like forever; it's supposed to be eternal. And though, in the modern world, children aren’t necessarily forever either, there’s something decidedly final about bringing someone into the world. I’m craving stability right now, and I’m having a hard time finding it in my life as it exists now.

I’m evening to begin to question my health. I’ve been having some strange symptoms lately and I think I’m actually going to have to break down and make an appointment at the doctor tomorrow. I hope I’m not just indulging in hypochondria. But I haven’t been to the doctor since I was sixteen or so, so I guess it just makes sense to get a check up before I graduate and get kicked off my father’s insurance anyway.

I guess at my age what I’m going through is normal. After 21 years, I guess you just get used to things being a certain way. When that’s threatened, it’s a personal threat. Everyone I know seems to be going through an identity crisis. We’re all grasping at straws; we're all desperate. I wish I could make myself remember that things are going to be okay; if I could remember that, maybe my confidence in it would be enough to comfort those around me.

posted by Sarie @ 11:40 PM >Comments: 0