Monday, November 11, 2002

It’s a sign of my self-imposed, sorry social life that I blog so frequently on weekends. I must have checked my usual blogs at least thirteen times today.

It’s funny, a kid on this dumb show I was watching got grounded for three weeks. “You go straight to school, you come straight home from school. That’s it.” Jesus, that describes the first sixteen years of my life. It’s different when you grow up in the country I guess. I had to walk a mile to the nearest kid’s house if I wanted to go. I didn’t have a social life at all until my friends started getting licenses. And even then, it was far from party every night. But then, it should be remembered that I’m a geek.

I should be doing homework. That should be my new motto. It’s nearly always true. I hope my classes next quarter are more conducive to my slacking. I really want an easy quarter; I had believed this would be one. In fact, it may be one. But I’ve been so tired lately. I can’t explain it really. I should be feeling pretty good. But I’m nearly always exhausted. Part of it, I know, is that I've been sick. I’ve not been sleeping well. It just seems that there aren’t enough free hours in the day. And, I have a new professor to add to my list of professors I’ll never take again. People have been commenting lately that I’m quiet. I’ve felt quiet lately.

I wonder if it’s a sign of endangered mental health when you ask yourself several times a day: “Wouldn’t it be nice if I got in an accident and died?” I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to kill myself. I just think it would be easier to die. I think, probably, the greatest sin a human being can commit is that of despair. If God is anything He’s hope. I haven’t lost hope exactly. I’m just tired; I want a break. I used to be able to talk to my mother about things like this but I can’t now. She’s so depressed that I have to act happy because I’m the closest thing she has to hope. It must be terrible to look to someone who’s so obviously mentally messed up as I am for hope that you can beat depression.

I feel a little bad about having enjoyed tonight’s storms so much. I guess a couple of people died to the northwest of me. Still, though, I had a good time. I love storms. I’ve heard it said that God must have a special hatred for people who live in trailer parks. It’s proven itself true again tonight.

In other news, I love this picture.

And this story is worth the read: Man Drinks Blood of 207 Goats And Wants More

The Goddess Kali, by the by, is my favorite goddess.