Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Sorry about the lack of blogs lately. Between being incredibly busy and being sort of incredibly moody, it’s been difficult.

But I had a lot of fun yesterday. Jazz concert was quite good. Afterward, Jody came over to look over plane tickets. I’ll buy them tonight before I sleep. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing going to Europe. But I’m excited; I do know that much.

Today, April and I are getting Greek food and then heading to Columbus. Could be fun. Could be not so fun. We’re both pretty ambivalent about it at the time. But I think it’ll be fun in the end.

First, I have to get through Biology and German. Boring, boring classes, but what can you do? I got a 97 on my Art History Exam. Yay! At least I’m kicking the ass of one class.

I had a sort of strange experience last night. I felt like I could feel my tongue forming words, but I wasn’t talking – at least not consciously. I was probably just really, really tired. But it freaked me out pretty good. Truth be told, I did talk in my sleep some when I was little. So maybe that was all that was happening. Really, it was even worse than when your hand or something moves involuntarily. Somehow a hand is external, even if it’s your hand. But your tongue is in your mouth and that’s rather on the personal side. Disturbing.

Sometimes I feel like a failure going to the branch. People all expect me to be at an Ivy or something, and no, I’m at the damn branch. I kind of like the branch, to be honest. I like living with my parents, usually. I like that I can be around to help my mom when she comes home from the hospital. But then, too, it’s the branch. And I still live with my parents. And that’s failure somehow.

I’m having a hard time adjusting to the idea of going away. When I was younger, I wanted nothing more than to get the hell away from here. But especially because of my mom being so sick, I’ve just grown so accustomed to being here. I didn’t transfer to Columbus for the sake of being here for my mom. I have second thoughts about Europe because of my mom. I worry about going away for grad school because it seems my place is here, fixing my parent’s cracked relationship, making sure my mother takes her medicine on time.

It’s hard to imagine me out of the context of this silly little non-town in Nowhere, Ohio. But I have to go. My life, for at least a little while, I think, is going to be somewhere else. Europe will help me decide. I’m so self-conscious that if I leave, for even a month, things are going to fall apart. But Europe will force me away for a time. Maybe they’ll grow to like not having me around to nag at them all of the time. Maybe they’ll start pushing me out the door.

Have to get ready for school.