Thursday, April 03, 2003

The more I get involved in things on campus, the dumber I feel. That is to say, I go to a tiny campus, of a giant university. And I'm not overly proud of the fact that, though the standards and requirements and all that of going to school here are the same as if I went to Columbus, I still go to ::nasally Mansfield accent:: The Branch.

So, as I prepare to take part in the forum next Friday, and as I debate whether or not I ought to submit some writing to this campus literary award type thing, I'm trying to balance feeling embarassed over where I go to school, and making myself take chances when it seems I should. I always made fun of people overly proud of winning stuff on this silly campus. But on the other hand, I don't want that to become an excuse for me not to get involved in things that I'd benefit from.

Maybe I've been around too many Psych majors recently. But I think my isolation issues are obvious here. I remember writing once, and it disturbed a number of my friends, that I felt self-conscious so much as cheering at a football game. Being part of the crowd scares the hell out of me; that feeling of being involved is exactly what brings the crowd to righteously demand, with hate foaming on their lips, that we must lynch, lynch, lynch. A lone crusader; I can take that characterization. But a speck in the masses? Not me, buddy.

That's probably what makes me so fond of Thomas Merton's No Man is an Island. It preaches exactly what I don't feel. But what I want to feel so much. My mother used to say that if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride. In this matter, I recognize myself as thoroughly the beggar. I just want a job grooming for Chrissakes. I want to be in contact with that sort of feeling. But I can only watch it from afar off, with a stupid grin on my face, trying to smother that arrogant bastard of a feeling welling up in me, that, my God, those people sure look silly.

Hey mom, does that mean I'm a schizoid type or something like that? Someone analyze my data, I'm looking for a fight.