Friday, October 22, 2004

A Matter of Time...

I'm sitting here with all these thoughts rushing through my head. It strikes me that I don't often feel things like other people do. It's not that I don't feel. There's no doubt that I'm feeling.

Rage over somebody hurting someone I care about. Anger at myself for not being a better guardian. Sorrow over this stupid situation, that's gone on so long, and will continue to go on for so many years. For lifetimes; maybe for all time, until this family dies out, or this world ceases to be.

I know that this is just life on Earth. Life after the fall of man. Suffering, pain, that lingering sense of abandonment and stench of human misery. We spend all our time trying to protect ourselves from this. But you can't hide from it.

There are a lot of things I don't know about this world. I spend too much time wondering why things have to be this way. But I know a few things. I know them in my gut, which is, mercifully, too far away from my brain to facilitate easy overanalyzation.

What I know is that this suffering, all of this pain, is part of a greater scheme. It's part of the epic tapestry of humanity; of life on God's green Earth. It doesn't always feel like it. Right now it doesn't feel much like it at all. But all this misery isn't meaningless. God is always making straight the crooked paths of man. Someday we'll see and understand and our awe and joy will outweigh the discomfort of our current lack of vision.

It's just a matter of time before that day comes. In the meantime, I hope to make myself of some use. I want to make my tiny chapter in the annals of human history as beautiful as possible by doing what little I can to shoulder my brothers' burdens.

I'm so cynical and self-conscious to nearly sicken myself saying that last bit. But in my heart of hearts I know I'm not nearly cool enough to be truly apathetic. And I guess the part of me that knows that, knows that it's not really all that damn cool to be disaffected either. So viva optimism, in those rare shining moments I allow myself to feel it.