Thursday, March 30, 2006


When I was younger, I never had to doubt that I was strange. It was obvious in everything I said and did and reminders were everywhere. No one at home or school would let me go on for very long without pointing the fact out. It was bad for me, no doubt. I've never exactly had high self-esteem or been one of those self-confident types.

But maybe it's harder now because, for such long periods of time, I forget.

For instance, right now I'm sitting in the computer lab at school. I should be in my psychopathology class, but I'm not. I'm not because I got here about twenty minutes late, had what basically amounts to a panic attack, and now can't coax myself into going into class. But my conscience is keeping me from leaving.

So I'm sitting on campus, directly underneath the class I'm supposed to be attending, thinking to myself: What if I get caught? Hopefully I get caught! God it would be miserable if I were caught, but I would deserve it!

I'm so stupid. I can't even identify my fear. It's not just that I'll be embarassed about being late or that my professor will freak out on me. Normal people can conquer that fear. I'm just sort of generally freaking out. What if, what if, what if?

This morning the God of Peace filled my soul. Right now I can hardly bear to be. Chalk one up to personal failure.