Thursday, March 09, 2006

Testing 1...2...3...

It's been a memorable week. I got the echo test thingy done on my heart on Tuesday. Wednesday they did the Holter test. This morning they took it off. Tomorrow I go back in for blood work.

I'm not really good with medical stuff. It embarasses me when people think I'm sick. Wearing a heart monitor kind of tips people off to the fact, so, I didn't enjoy yesterday very much.

It makes me think. It's not that I don't want attention. I do, of course. But I want it from the right people. I don't feel better because random strangers, or people I only sort of know, ask me if I'm all right. I'd prefer they didn't mention it, really. But when people who should care don't say anything, I spiral into self-loathing and depression.

It's wrong to be upset when people who don't have time for themselves don't have time for you. Why should they, after all?

Regardless, I'm not having the happiest of weeks. I need to work my way out of this.

I've been thinking a lot about my depression lately. Maybe it has something to do with my being sick. I've always done such a lousy job of listening to my body. I usually only figure out I'm sick after I've totally freaked out or the symptoms have gotten so bad they require hospitalization. Maybe if I can get my body fixed up, some of this emotional junk will clear up, too.

I just hope this is over with quick.