Saturday, March 04, 2006

Public Indecency.

Since last March I’ve been having a problem with losing weight. Namely, I’ve lost a hell of a lot of it totally unintentionally. It’s very disturbing to me, for a good many reasons. Today, perhaps most of all.

I had to buy some new clothes around Christmas because all of my old clothes, which had never been tight to start because I hate clingy things, could have fit approximately three of me in them and still been loose.

So my mom got me a pair of jeans for Christmas, which I initially didn’t like because they were too tight. But, given a few weeks, they grew on me; or rather I grew into them and they kind of became my favorite pair because they were nice and baggy.

Today I thought it would be fun to take my dog for a walk. So I put on my jeans, buttoned up my coat, and off we went. I got about a quarter of a mile from home when I realized my shoe was untied, so I knelt down to tie it, and when I did, Izzy pulled and got away from me.

I ran a couple of feet to catch the leash and when I did, you guessed it, the pants started to fall off. I tried pulling them up, but between the dog trying to get away and my giganto-coat barring easy access to my waistline, and my thick gloves making me less than totally nimble, it pretty much wasn’t happening.

I figured I was going to have to get the dog home before I could do much about it, so I started doing the walk where you stick your legs out as stiffly and as far apart as you can to keep your pants from falling down. I prayed that no one would drive by and notice my sagging pants and retarded walk.

Isaac, fine animal that he is, did nothing to help me. He pulled and ran and generally drove me crazy the whole way home.

I finally turned into my driveway, laughing triumphantly, for I had emerged victorious! And then my pants fell the rest of the way down.

Oh yeah, I was standing in my driveway with my pants down around my ankles.

I don’t think anyone saw me. If they did, they must have thought I was a freak. Thirty-degrees, grey as hell day, and I’ve got a parka, a dog on a leash, and pants round about my ankles in the middle of my driveway.