Saturday, March 25, 2006

Kidney and Sinus Infection.

I don't have a lot to say. But I know it's been a while since I last wrote and I know I promised to do better with this.

So, this week I had a kidney infection and a sinus infection. The doctor thinks that one possible cause of my blood pressure issues is that there is a leakage in one of my heart valves. The leakage isn't serious, so that's good. And they can maybe just fix it with medication or whatever, and that would end my regular near-fainting spells. This is good news, I think.

The Boy and I went to his wrestling tournament today. He lost both of his matches, which blows. I think it may be harder on me than him. I hate to see him upset. I hate to see him fail. But I know that it's a good learning experience for him. Life isn't easy and you don't win every game. Still. Damn!

School ended last week. I'm sort of pissed because the hippie professor who offered me drugs gave me a B+ in his class. WTF? Maybe if I would have consented to take his vicodin he would have given me an A. Does that sound mean and nasty? I'm kind of in that sort of mood today.

I don't like it when people love me when they need me and want me the hell out of the way when they don't need me.

I'm tired of being sick.

My mom went to the doctor this week and was diagnosed with gout. How painful. And odd. Medication has improved her condition substantially, which, I guess, is good news.

I've been having weird dreams lately. They're like recurring dreams, kind of. Only I haven't had them since I was eleven. I'm trying to figure out if there are some circumstance in my life that are drawing out old themes. When I was eleven, my parents split up and I went to live with my sister. I was pretty much miserable. I'm not miserable now. What could the common theme be?

Like the one dream. I'm either on a field trip or in some kind of group home. My room is in the attic and a bunch of other kids are sleeping there too. This boy and I hook up and he gets in trouble for something. I don't know what. I don't know if it's for being with me or if it's something totally unrelated. Anyway, they're going to punish him severely and he decides to run rather than face the powers that be.

I decide to run with him. Not with him with him. He runs first and when I hear about it, I make a break. I don't know if he's inspired me or if I love him and want to be with him. I do a good job of escaping; down hills, over streams, through the woods. I run and run and run until I'm so exhausted I can't run anymore and when I hear dogs in the distance I run more. The whole time though, I'm very confident I can get away. I'm fast. I'm faster than even their dogs.

Finally I get to this fork in the road. Well, there's actually not a road, but it's like a realization that I either have to run right or run left. So I run left, for no particular reason except it seems like the road less travelled, and I see this door. I hear people shouting in the distance and I figure there's nothing left to do but hide inside somewhere, so I open the door and run in.

There are doctors and policemen and social workers already waiting for me when I get inside. They grab me and restrain me and tell me everything will be all right when we get back to the home. I ask how they knew I would be here. They reply that they already know everything I'm going to do, even before I myself know that I'm going to do it. Even before I realize that there is a choice. They're so happy and I hate them so much and I'm disappointed.

The dream has almost the quality of those Build Your Own Adventure stories I'd read when I was a kid. "Do you want to fight the monster? Turn to PAGE 28. Do you want to try to flee? Turn to PAGE 127." It's bizarre.

Yeah, so that was sort of random. There are other dreams too. I don't know why I'm having dreams that I've had before. I had them so long ago I'd totally forgotten that they existed until I had them again.

Anyway, I have to run. Will try to blog again soon.